Sustaining Elder Care – November 2024

I have two book/puzzle sorting days at my community library before I go off to Dallas again…I am hoping to find some more 300-piece puzzles to take for my Dad. I think he is probably running a bit low and maybe my sister is bringing some older ones back that he hasn’t done recently. We don’t have as many 300-piece as we do 500…and those 500-piece ones are getting too hard for him.

The past month has been more stressful in terms of elder care than I anticipated. There is a disagreement between us daughters about whether he is having pain when he eats and he needs his food ground up. Observations of him eating are not consistent. We have asked the dentist he saw last to make an assessment….since to make the change in mealtime routine for the assisted living staff will require a doctor’s order.  On the plus side – I don’t think my dad is aware of the turmoil. Most of the interaction among my sisters and I is via text; I’ve stopped looking at the messages about an hour before bedtime to try to reduce the impact on my sleep. It’s also caused me to start thinking more about what I want my relationship with my sisters to be separate from our shared interest in our father’s well-being.

Sustaining Elder Care – August 2024

One of my sisters is taking an extended road trip this month, so the 3 of us still around are adjusting so that one of use sees my dad every day. The real crunch will come later this month when another sister will be out of town for a week. It’s a good thing the assisted living home seems relatively calm at this point and dad is getting morning walks, puzzle time, and eating as well as usual.

He likes puzzles with fewer pieces now (up to 500…rarely one with 1000 if there are a lot of clues in the puzzle and the pieces are not too small). I had one puzzle that I took during my first visit this month and there will be an opportunity to buy used puzzles before I go later in the month. We are also starting through some of the puzzles he did months ago; his memory is such that he doesn’t remember them from before…they are a good challenge all over again.

His doctor has taken him off all the supplements he had been taking for years because they were causing him digestive problems. It was more difficult for him to swallow them now too. He gets the equivalent of a multivitamin as a liquid (purchased in powder form and taken mixed with water); he is feeling much better after the change.

Another change that is occurring – he appears to have developed ingrown toenails for the first time in his life. Fortunately, the assisted living has a podiatrist that comes periodically. We are scurrying to buy some open toed shoes for the day after the ingrown toenails are resolved.

The plants one of my sisters planted around the back porch area of the house had required daily watering – which we were all doing as part of our visit with dad – but the house sprinkler system has been fixed and we only need to water on days that it doesn’t run now.

We are beginning to feel that we have a routine that works for us and my dad (and the staff at the assisted living home) although we are very conscious that the routine will need to be tweaked as his needs change.

Sustaining Elder Care – July 2024

A full month had passed since my visit to my father in June and I noticed that his situation seemed calmer this month although the staff at the assisted living home were stressed with acclimating 2 new residents and the further decline of another. It took them longer to answer the front doorbell on both of my visits, but on both days my dad’s room was clean, he was dressed in clean clothes, and he had just finished a meal.

Since I arrive in the afternoon, it was too hot for a walk outdoors. One of the staff members stopped by to tell me she had taken him in the morning just after breakfast. We finished a puzzle in the great room (he was very pleased since the easy parts had been done the day before and the remaining pieces were mostly the same color). Afterward we went into the back yard, and he sat in the shade while I watered the plants that my sister managed to transfer from his former home; they need to be watered daily in the hot Dallas summer; my mother’s miniature rose bush is blooming profusely. I put out his clothes for the next day. It seems 2 to 2.5 hours is the ideal duration for visits with him. When I left, he was going to take a nap.

The next morning, I got bitten by something (ants?) as I waited for a staff member to let me into the house (fortunately the welts disappeared quickly once I used my After Bite stick). The staff were evidently overwhelmed with helping another resident (or two); they left the door a little ajar so I could immediately take Dad for a walk. The temperature was still pleasant, and I was surprised at the pace Dad set; it is clear that he is walking regularly and had built up his stamina. We made it around the block in good time – but enough that whatever was keeping the staff busy had resolved by the time we got back. I encouraged my dad to drink some water and we started a new puzzle. It turned out to be harder than we anticipated, and we only got about 2/3 of the border done before we decided to take a break to water plants in the backyard. And he was worn out from those activities…ready for a nap before lunch!

My dad is visited by me or my sisters almost every day. We all put out clothes for him to wear the next day and (right now) water plants. If the weather permits, we take him for a walk. We work on a puzzle with him. There has been at least one instance where he has requested that a puzzle be framed for his wall – and participated in the process to get it ready for the frame. He seems to be settling into a comfortable pattern.

The newest challenge has been him getting cold and putting on a jacket when he is in his room. Evidently the thermostat for his part of the house is in the kitchen and when there is a lot of cooking happening there it gets hot enough to cause the air conditioner to come on. His room gets about 5 degrees cooler than the kitchen! The staff is aware of the issue and is monitor. We are also reminding him that it is warmer in the community room where the puzzle table and large recliners are located…but he seems to prefer the jacket and his room at least some of the time!

Previous Elder Care posts

Then and Now – Family

In the 1960s, I was growing up in a large extended family. My mother had 8 siblings and my father, an only child, was close to his cousins. Most of our traveling was to visit family. By the time I was in elementary school, my parents had a second car, and my mother took us to her parents’ home for a week or so during the summer to see the aunt and uncles…continuously growing number of cousins. I remember my grandfather’s construction projects that included a covered patio/carport with a very long table and bench overlooking a large elm where he’d fashioned a table and benches to fit neatly around its large trunk. We ate every meal aside from breakfast outdoors! There was also a large barbeque pit with a huge grill and an oven built into the chimney. He built a fountain of natural stone near the garden…the swimming pool was a little further away. Prior to the swimming pool being built, he often found a river suitable for swimming for all the aunts and cousins….and he would do some fishing. I enjoyed one-on-one time with my maternal grandmother at her work (she owned/ran the mill); I remember her writing letters to one of her daughters that lived far away over a few days before deciding it was long enough and sending it off.

 My paternal grandparents moved to live near us in the late 50s, so I saw them very frequently – lots of good food, gardening, crocheting, sewing, dominoes and checkers. We saw my dad’s extended family at gatherings held at his paternal aunt’s house. I remember my great aunt had hollyhocks beside her porch. We visited his maternal aunts (and grandmother) that lived in the same town. I associate my great-grandmother with chocolate covered graham crackers and her daughters with plants (my grandmother had a number of plants that she received originally from her sisters).

The food was always plentiful and included veggies from the garden. The paternal side of the family also cooked Czech desserts (kolaches!).

Now the family is significantly smaller. I have 3 sisters and am the only one that lives further away; only 1 of my sisters has children so the number of cousins is small. My husband had 2 sisters, but they are already gone as is his extended family. My sisters and I are transitioning from a relationship that has be very focused on caring for our parents over the past few years – not yet settled into a new normal without our mother. I am not close to my cousins although I have been seeing 3 of them more frequently at funerals recently…realizing that we have in common our adjustment to life after long-lived parents die.

I drive from my home in Missouri to visit my dad near Dallas once or twice a month in his assisted living home. My daughter goes with me sometimes. One sister visits him almost daily. The other two visit once or twice a week when they are town. I try to see at least one of them when I visit Dad. Two of them have visited us in Missouri. We text each other frequently – mostly keeping each other informed about what is happening with Dad. There are infrequent emails, phone calls, or zoom meeting. I enjoy my access to a frequently updated cloud folder of great nephew pictures. The way we keep in touch when we are not together has changed significantly since the 1960s!

Food had changed as well. We seem to all have foods we are avoiding now (and the problematic foods are not the same!)…and desserts are not something we want as frequently. We tend to go to a restaurant for special occasions more often then eating at home.

Previous Then and Now posts

Cataract Surgery

Cataract assessment has been a part of my annual eye checkup for the past few years. I always wonder if it is a positive thing to still have eyes correctable to 20/20 since when cataracts make that correction impossible, cataract surgery will likely provide years of good vision without glasses – as boon since glasses (or contacts) have been part of my life since third grade.

This May and June my younger sister is getting cataract surgery and I am providing taxi service for her surgery and immediate follow-up during my monthly weeks in Carrollton, TX. It’s been a good learning experience. She arranged for her surgeries to be first thing in the morning. She felt well enough for breakfast after the first surgery – even though she was feeling disoriented with a big eye patch and no correction of any kind on the eye that was uncovered. During the follow up appointment, she had her glasses modified – the lens removed from the side that had the surgery – so that she could see better. On the side that had the surgery, her distance vision was 20/15 but her eye was still healing. She still has restrictions on how she slept (not on the side where the surgery was done) and lifting (nothing over 10 pounds); the instructions were clear. So many people get this surgery that the process is very well defined!

For me – there were lessons learned for when it’s time for my cataract surgery. It’s a consuming process since it is done in 2 surgeries (with some time between). It is awkward with changing sight between the first surgery until the healing of the second eye (and maybe prolonged depending on the type of intraocular lens is used…the light adjustable ones are adjusted after the second surgery).

I’m glad I volunteered to help my sister during the process…and learned from the experience!