Rhododendron

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Our rhododendron bloomed profusely this year – no frost damaged buds like last year. The whole bush was covered with blooms. It started in mid-April and all the buds had opened by the first few days of May.

I couldn’t resist a round of macro shots. It was good experience with my new iPhone 15 Pro Max. I like the individual flowers, the flower clusters, the new growth – it is full of photographic opportunities. The bush seems to be growing a lot better this year too; maybe it has recovered from the big drought the summer we moved to Missouri.

Do rhododendrons make good cut flowers? I did a search and discovered that yes…to cut a cluster with some unopened buds and slit the end of the stalk to allow easier water uptake. I put the cluster in a wine glass my parents got for their 50th wedding anniversary from a couple they had met in college and remained friends through the years….savored the flowers in my office.  All the buds eventually opened just as they would have outdoors.

I also learned that sometimes rhododendron need to be pruned but it won’t be this year…and maybe for years to come. My bush is in a place where it can expand in almost every direction. I will probably cut more flower clusters next spring now that I know how well they last indoors and, I guess, that will be the extent of the ‘pruning’ done!

Then and Now – Family

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In the 1960s, I was growing up in a large extended family. My mother had 8 siblings and my father, an only child, was close to his cousins. Most of our traveling was to visit family. By the time I was in elementary school, my parents had a second car, and my mother took us to her parents’ home for a week or so during the summer to see the aunt and uncles…continuously growing number of cousins. I remember my grandfather’s construction projects that included a covered patio/carport with a very long table and bench overlooking a large elm where he’d fashioned a table and benches to fit neatly around its large trunk. We ate every meal aside from breakfast outdoors! There was also a large barbeque pit with a huge grill and an oven built into the chimney. He built a fountain of natural stone near the garden…the swimming pool was a little further away. Prior to the swimming pool being built, he often found a river suitable for swimming for all the aunts and cousins….and he would do some fishing. I enjoyed one-on-one time with my maternal grandmother at her work (she owned/ran the mill); I remember her writing letters to one of her daughters that lived far away over a few days before deciding it was long enough and sending it off.

 My paternal grandparents moved to live near us in the late 50s, so I saw them very frequently – lots of good food, gardening, crocheting, sewing, dominoes and checkers. We saw my dad’s extended family at gatherings held at his paternal aunt’s house. I remember my great aunt had hollyhocks beside her porch. We visited his maternal aunts (and grandmother) that lived in the same town. I associate my great-grandmother with chocolate covered graham crackers and her daughters with plants (my grandmother had a number of plants that she received originally from her sisters).

The food was always plentiful and included veggies from the garden. The paternal side of the family also cooked Czech desserts (kolaches!).

Now the family is significantly smaller. I have 3 sisters and am the only one that lives further away; only 1 of my sisters has children so the number of cousins is small. My husband had 2 sisters, but they are already gone as is his extended family. My sisters and I are transitioning from a relationship that has be very focused on caring for our parents over the past few years – not yet settled into a new normal without our mother. I am not close to my cousins although I have been seeing 3 of them more frequently at funerals recently…realizing that we have in common our adjustment to life after long-lived parents die.

I drive from my home in Missouri to visit my dad near Dallas once or twice a month in his assisted living home. My daughter goes with me sometimes. One sister visits him almost daily. The other two visit once or twice a week when they are town. I try to see at least one of them when I visit Dad. Two of them have visited us in Missouri. We text each other frequently – mostly keeping each other informed about what is happening with Dad. There are infrequent emails, phone calls, or zoom meeting. I enjoy my access to a frequently updated cloud folder of great nephew pictures. The way we keep in touch when we are not together has changed significantly since the 1960s!

Food had changed as well. We seem to all have foods we are avoiding now (and the problematic foods are not the same!)…and desserts are not something we want as frequently. We tend to go to a restaurant for special occasions more often then eating at home.

Previous Then and Now posts

Zentangle® – April 2024

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The end of the month and preparing to write this post reminded me that I needed to find the driver for my Epson V600 photo scanner to install on my MacBook Air. I found it easily enough and the install was uneventful…and I was pleased that it worked more reliably that the Windows driver on my old laptop!

As usual I had plenty of tiles to choose the 30 from for this month. It is easy to have a few blank tiles and a pen available all the time. I create most of the tiles in my office at home although this month one was made when I was traveling and eating alone…while I waited for my food. More were made in hotels in Dallas. Creating a Zentangle tile always provides an island of calm!

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The Zentangle® Method is an easy-to-learn, relaxing, and fun way to create beautiful images by drawing structured patterns. It was created by Rick Roberts and Maria Thomas. “Zentangle” is a registered trademark of Zentangle, Inc. Learn more at zentangle.com.

Then and Now – Universities

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My parents prompted my goal to go to college; it was still in my future during the 1960s. At first there was only a vague idea of what universities were like. That begin to change when my mother went back to school so she could become a teacher when I was in junior high. I learned about required courses and textbooks and the library. My sisters and I were in the audience when she acted in a play as part of a drama class. I remember paging through a very thick book for a biology/life sciences class – relishing how much more it included beyond the encyclopedias and schoolbooks I had looked at before. When I started an insect collection for special credit before my sophomore year of high school, my mother took me to the campus bookstore and we bought special black straight pins for the project (there must have been a class at the university that required insect collection too). My collection impression my teacher so much that she asked to keep it!

I was also aware of the protests of the Vietnam War at universities in the 1960s via the news and now with protests of the war in Gaza also via the news. I never was on a campus when one of the more significant protests happened at either time of my life.

Now my perception of universities is based more on first-hand experience from the 1970s and early 1980s when my husband got his PhD and I got my masters, vicarious experience (again) from 2007 to 2019 when my daughter was at 3 universities for undergraduate through to PhD and post doc, my daughter being employed as a professor at a university now, and the prospect of a course each semester at the university beginning next fall taking advantage of the free tuition for citizens age 62 or older.

In the 1960s, the prospect of heading off to the university was all about continuation of my education…preparing for a career…getting the required credits toward a degree. Now, I’ll be taking courses because I am interested in the topic and not ‘for credit.’ Courses that offer field experience or labs will be my primary focus…things that I can’t get in an online format or from a book. The first course will likely be a field course identifying woody plants; the second might be geology course which includes field trips and a lab; the next one might be pottery making!

In the 1960s, I was oblivious to the administration of universities. In retrospect, there were a lot less non-faculty staff at universities in the 1960s. And those non-faculty people often get higher salaries than the faculty; they are largely responsible for the cost of university education increasing faster than costs in just about every other sector. And those non-faculty people make decisions about how funding cuts will be made so their ranks will never go down! How does bloat in a university’s administrative staff ever get trimmed?

It seems that universities are changing very slowly compared to the rest of society. There is a paradox of research that is often leading edge coming out of an organization that incorporates processes that are almost like hazing (qualifying exams for graduate students that are traditionally ‘failed’ the first time through…committees of other faculty members that review tenure track packages and provide negative feedback, sometimes not factual and sometimes personal rather than relevant to the position…minorities and women judged harshly).

The role of universities is not as clear now as it seemed to me in the 1960s. I’m not sure if that is true because I know more about them now or if they have not changed in the intervening years in ways that they should have.

Previous Then and Now posts

Sustaining Elder Care – April 2024

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2-day trips to Dallas have become the norm for me. I leave early from home, visit my dad immediately after I get to Dallas in the early afternoon and take care of any other business thereafter…then stay in a hotel overnight and drive home the next day. Now that the days are getting longer, perhaps I might visit him a second time in the morning before I head home although the assisted living group home is not ‘early.’ I probably would not want to arrive for a visit before 10 AM.

Dad still enjoys going out to eat and we are exploring more places nearby.

The warmer weather is great for walks. We have discovered that he does better with a four-wheeled walker than the two-wheeled one. The rough pavement makes it very hard to use the two-wheeled one. His balance is much improved holding onto the four-wheeled walker and he walks at a pace that is more like the way he walked prior to using a walker.

He has decided that 500 pieces puzzles are usually too hard…and he wants bigger pieces. I got 10 puzzles for $20 at the library’s used books (and puzzles) sale; knowing what they have is one of the benefits of volunteering for setup. Most of the puzzles I got have 300 pieces and I am hopefull my dad and others at the group home will enjoy putting them together. I picked ones with bright colors too – although that wasn’t a requirement from my dad.

One of my sisters and her husband took my dad to her home to see the eclipse on the 8th. Unfortunately, he didn’t understand what was happening and kept asking where he was. It was a learning experience for our family – we will continue to enjoy taking him out to lunch occasionally but be very careful not to overwhelm him with more complex events away from his assisted living home.

I had thought I would be able to get down to one visit per month…but so far that hasn’t happened.

Previous Elder Care posts

Volunteering Again

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My first volunteering since moving to Missouri happened last weekend – helping set up a Friends of the Library in Christian County, Missouri book sale near where I live. I was part of the first wave of the set up so the first task was setting up the long folding tables around the edges and down the middle of the large space. There was one that seemed a little rickety and we quickly realized that it was not stable enough to load with books; it went back in the storage closet with a label that it was broken.

The boxes of donated books had been stored in a shed at the library and JROTC from the local high school loaded them onto a trailer and brought them over to our building. Fortunately the boxes were labeled well enough that we could aggregate them on the tables where the contents would be displayed. None of the volunteers with older backs (me included) had to lift any book boxes!

There were a large number of donated puzzles and I started emptying boxes and making a display that spread over two long tables. It seems that there were more puzzles than last year; maybe people are donating puzzles they bought during COVID. My goal was to get at least a small picture of the puzzle and the number pieces showing for each one. Most of the puzzles ended up in towers or standing on end.

It was a great way to spend a Saturday morning and I hope Friends of the Library make $$ from the sale that formally begins today.

Then and Now: Groceries

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In the 1960s, my mother did the grocery shopping for the family – usually going once a week.  I went with her occasionally but not often. She usually shopped while my sisters and I were in school. Her favorite grocery store was Safeway. I am now shopping at Walmart most of the time since it is the closest grocery store to me and once a week is still my goal. The hours my The Walmart is open from 6AM-11PM, 7 days a week; the hours grocery stores were open in the 1960s was a lot less than that and there were items they couldn’t sell on Sundays if they were open then (‘blue laws’ in Texas).

The carts were similar in design to the larger ones in most stores now although they were all metal (no plastic) and did not have seatbelts for young children. Most grocery stores now  have a few smaller carts along with the larger ones but I usually am buying enough that I get a large cart.

My mother always had a list that accumulated over the week; most of the time she made the additions to the list but as my sisters and I got old enough, we sometimes wrote in items. Now I use the OurGroceries app so that my husband and I can add items to the list from any of our devices and I use my phone when I am in the store rather than a piece of paper.

My mother only bought food at the grocery store…not toiletries or over-the-counter medications; those were purchased at a drug store which also included a pharmacy. I buy many non-groceries during my weekly shopping now; toiletries are frequently on the list, but I sometimes buy clothes or office supplies as well. It’s an advantage of shopping at Walmart rather than a grocery store. We still pick up our prescriptions at a CVS; the pharmacy at Walmart is not open at the time I usually shop (between 7 and 8:30 AM on Friday mornings).

At checkout, a cashier had to enter the price of each item on the register and the strip of paper that my mother was handed at the end only included the prices and the total. She paid with cash or wrote a check. Now I scan my purchases myself, use a credit card to pay for them, and get an itemized list that includes an abbreviated description of each item along with the total.

Mother’s purchases were put in brown paper bags by the cashier. Now the store provides single-use plastic bags; I’ve used my own bags for more than a decade (they are stronger, and I don’t have to take precautions to contain the single-use bags from littering and polluting the environment). I put my items into my bags after I scan them. All the refrigerator items go into an insulated bag and the remaining items are grouped into bags to make unloading easier once I get home (and to make sure bread, chips, and eggs are not damaged in transit).

There was a lot less plastic. Milk came only in cartons (waxed…not plastic coated) and juices and soft drinks came in glass. Canned foods were purchased frequently, and the cans were not lined with plastic. The produce section included mainly seasonal foods along with ones that could be easily stored/transported (like bananas). Broccoli was something we had periodically as a frozen vegetable, and it was packaged in a box rather than a plastic bag.  We enjoyed strawberries seasonally or frozen (in a box); now my husband likes the frozen ones (in a plastic bag) more than he likes fresh ones! Plastic is the dominate packaging now: jugs of milk, bottles of water/soft drinks/juice, bags of frozen veggies and fruit, robustly sealed meats, bags of snacks and fresh vegetables/fruits, jars of peanut butter. Sometimes there is an option to buy in class jars but most of the time there is no choice; the packaging is plastic.

The most common type of bread was white; my mother wanted ‘whole wheat’ and bought Roman Meal when she could find it. I buy Dave’s Sprouted organic bread….avoiding a lot of added chemicals that have been introduced over the years to keep bread from molding or otherwise ‘improving’ it in some way (‘improving’ is in quotes because many breads cross over into the ultra-processed realm with the additions that are quite common today).

Some of the brands are still around: Cambell’s, Nabisco, Kelloggs, Green Giant. I don’t buy them as often as my mother did…only Cambell’s Tomato Soup and Green Giant Niblets Corn for my husband.

There are a lot of products in the grocery store that were not available in the 1960s…most of them ultra-processed and they fill up whole aisles of the grocery store. It requires some willpower to steer clear of those (although it gets easier over time). On the healthier side, it is now easier to find international foods (salsas and tortillas, etc.) and things like boneless chicken breasts…a lot more options when it comes to pasta, sauces in glass jars, greens (kale and arugula were not in grocery stores in the 1960s), grains/seed (quinoa and chia are new…’chia pets’ were not introduced until the later 1970s), and no salt seasonings. There are now targeted foods for special diets; for example, milk that includes Lactaid for those that are lactose intolerant and protein shakes for diabetics or those dieting and concerned about getting adequate protein.

My mother was very conscious of nutritional guidelines; she had taken home economics courses in college. We had some form of protein at every meal along with fruits and vegetables and grains. Sugary items were only for special occasions. There were seasonal fresh foods, but she relied on canned goods more than we do now, particularly during the winter. Both sets of grandparents had big gardens and we enjoyed their bounty whenever we could – supplementing what was purchased at the grocery store; we knew how food was grown and a little of how it was preserved (canned) for later. Now we buy more fresh or frozen fruits and veggies rather than canned because they are readily available during the whole year. I also buy organic as much as I can….something that didn’t exist in the 1960s.

Groceries have changed significantly since the 1960s. Availability of healthy foods is probably better now – although it takes more attention/knowledge to avoid the ultra-processed foods that are often intermingled with the healthy food.

Previous Then and Now posts

Road trip with my daughter

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My ‘new normal’ of making 2-day road trips to Dallas to see my dad was very different with my daughter coming with me. I’ve always liked making road trips with her because we get some long uninterrupted time to talk; this time it was 6-7 hours on the road each way. In the aftermath, I am thinking about ways it was different from my road trips on my own.

  • We were on the road about an hour later than usual; she is not quite as much a morning person as I am. I picked her up at her house just before 7 AM. It was a few minutes before sunrise – and I took a picture through the windshield of my car of the color behind the emerging foliage of her back yard.

  • We took my dad on a walk outdoors (cloudy but dry….warm enough to not need a jacket). It was my first time doing that but, now that the weather is warmer, a walk will be included in my visits unless it is raining. He was trying a new walker with 4 wheels instead of 2, so I was glad there were two of us just is case it didn’t work well for him – but he liked it and seemed to maneuver with it very well.

  • I got a suite rather than a single room at my usual hotel. It worked well for us.

  • She suggested another walk after we got to the hotel which I hadn’t done before…I’ll add that into my routine from now on as well.

  • The music for the drive was more varied…still mostly instrumental but we included some artists she suggested mixed with my usual selections.

  • I didn’t do any reading at the hotel as I usually do…we were still enjoying our conversation too much!

  • We stopped for lunch on the way home (she found the restaurant as we were nearing lunch time). When I am on my own, I make a quick rest stop around lunch time and then arrive home very hungry.

Our next road trip together will be for the upcoming solar eclipse. This time my husband will be with us…and do all the driving!

Sustaining Elder Care – March 2024

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A recap: My sisters and I started our journey ramping up elder care back in November. At first we thought we were being proactive in our conversation about ‘next steps’ with my parents’ doctor….but, less than a week later, my mother was critically ill and in the hospital. I spent the next 7 weeks in Texas. My mother managed to recover enough to come home before Thanksgiving even though she needed a lot of support at home. We hired caregivers to assist her at night through December and moved my parents to an assisted living group home just before the new year. As we worked to get them settled into the assisted living routine, we started a surge of effort to get their house cleared and on the market; the sale was finalized at the end of February. Both parents responded favorably to assisted living and decided they wanted to go out to eat occasionally rather than having special meals via take out as we had done for them at their house. In mid-February, they became sick with COVID…my dad first; he got Paxlovid and was recovering. My mother tested positive a few days later; her doctor adjusted her meds and she got Paxlovid; at first her case seemed even less symptomatic than my dad’s; the staff at the group home thought her breathing was wheezy one afternoon (even though my mother did not think she was having breathing problems) and sent her to the hospital via ambulance; she died 2 hours later.

The last few weeks have been busy ones. We reconfigured my dad’s living space from two rooms down to one and are in the process adjusting the assets my mom and dad accumulated to support his long-term care. As I write this, I realize that we have already settled into a ‘sustaining’ rather than ‘ramping up’ mind set. It isn’t that we won’t evolve what we do based on my dad’s needs…but we have a framework that will stay the same: the assisted living group home…daily visits from family….out to eat several times a month…walking in the neighborhood when the weather is good. Right now, he is still adjusting to not having mom around all the time; she was there for him for over 71 years. We are grateful to the staff of the assisted living for their increased attention. He still has times when he looks lonely…but he is talking more than he did when mom was around to talk for him.

Going forward, my trips to Texas will be quick ones – drive down and visit with dad in the afternoon before I head to my hotel, drive home the next day. Sometimes I will visit with dad in the morning before I drive back. I have done 2 of these trips so far in March. My sisters are there more frequently because they live closer than I do – one is there almost every day, another comes 2-3 times per week, another once or twice a week. Along with taking him out to eat, we put out his clothes for the next day, work on a puzzle with him, accompany him on a walk, help him find something that he lost (his wallet with his id and he glasses tend to go missing).

My sisters and I have had conversations about how much we have accomplished in the past few months – having to adjust very rapidly. We are not exactly relaxed at this point, but the stress level is dramatically lower!

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024, February 2024, March 2024 (1)

Ramping up Elder Care – March 2024 (1)

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A lot has happened in the last few weeks, so I am going to write 2 ‘ramping up elder care’ posts in March. In my mid-February post, I wrote “Are we through the bend…or is more to come before we settle into the new normal?” We were already getting accustomed to my parents’ house being sold…but we were also anxious with my dad testing positive for COVID. My mother tested positive a few days after he did….and died suddenly  few days later after being in the hospital for about 2 hours. So - the bend in my family’s collective life path is continuing into March.

My mother’s funeral was on the 1st. Dad was pleased with his appearance for the funeral; one of the assisted living staff helped him get into his suit (which he had not worn for a few years --- the last time was to a granddaughter’s wedding)…found another shirt so the neck would button and he could wear a tie! My sisters and I alternated being with him during the visitation and service. He seemed to enjoy my slide-by-slide narration of the pictures of Mother’s life from a young child to a few days before she died at 92. He also liked the limo. He did not like seeing Mother in the casket…thought it didn’t look like her even though he acknowledged that it was. He looked a few times then seemed to prefer watching the slideshow.

 My dad is grieving but very engaged with the reconfiguration of his living area at the assisted living group home. We started setting expectations a few days before the funeral so he would not be surprised when the furniture moves started to happen and it helped him internalize that mother was not coming back. The bed my mother has been using was one provided by the assisted living home and it was removed while we were at the funeral. We were all relieved that he didn’t seem traumatized that it was gone.   He is talking more than usual (he previously has always deferred to mother) ….and is more opinionated about how he would like things arranged. My sisters and I are spending more time with him, and the staff is very helpful. The staff has figured out that a small serving of ice cream is a great treat for him…and smooths out rough emotional times. So far – he seems to be surprising us with how well he is navigating his ‘new normal’ without his partner for over 71 years.

My dad’s reactions have been so positive that my sisters and I have already cleared away most of my mother’s belongings. It was a good time for us to talk to each other and him….noting some of the clothes she had worn for years…and others that were almost new…and trying out ideas for where furniture would be moved.

I don’t know for sure that we are at a new normal yet. We are with him more than usual…just to be sure he is OK. So far…he seems to be.

A few last pictures from my parents back yard the day before we closed on the 28th:

One of the neighbors asked the new owner if he could cut the narcissus and daffodil flowers from the yard to bring to the funeral….and the new owner said yes!

One of the neighbors asked the new owner if he could cut the narcissus and daffodil flowers from the yard to bring to the funeral….and the new owner said yes!

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024, February 2024

Zentangle® – February 2024

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February was a stressful month. The pile of tiles I selected these 29 from was finished before the death of my mother. At the end of March….I’ll look at what might be different about the before and after tiles. As I write this post, I am still in the stage of being preoccupied and cycling through various stages of grief; when I think I have reached  level of acceptance, I find myself thinking ‘oh mom would enjoy hearing/seeing this’ before I consciously remind myself that she is gone; I am realizing that my subconscious is churning away and interfering with my ability to focus too.

The square tiles this month are made on the usual neon colored card stock. Most of the time I can make patterns on both sides of the tile…unless I use the thicker pens and the color bleeds through.

The rectangular tiles are a mix of recycled light weight cardboard from cat food boxes (light brown), the wider tiles that are textured stationery from my dad’s business over 30 years ago that I found in his office when we cleaned it out, and the pale yellow/green 3x5 cards are also from his office (he carried them in his shirt pocket for notes….and then stopped about 5 years ago).

The past few months have re-enforced my self-knowledge that making a Zentangle tile (or two or three…) every day helps me through stressful times.

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The Zentangle® Method is an easy-to-learn, relaxing, and fun way to create beautiful images by drawing structured patterns. It was created by Rick Roberts and Maria Thomas. “Zentangle” is a registered trademark of Zentangle, Inc. Learn more at zentangle.com.

Ten Little Celebrations – February 2024

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I am always a little surprised at how easy it is to record something I celebrated every day…and how it is sometimes hard to pick the top 10 near the end of the month. The habit probably has helped me be more resilient to whatever is not going well….and appreciative of how fortunate I am.

A warm day to get the naked lady bulbs and iris rhizomes planted – Actually there were two Feburary days that were warm enough; I used one for planting in my yard and another for planting in my daughters.

Getting a full price offer on my Parents house – This was another double celebration since the offer and the closing happened in February.

Earl Grey tea – I seem to forget how much I like it…then celebrate rediscovering it.

Home again – After the many weeks away late in 2023, I find myself celebrating each and every time I arrive back home.

Out to lunch with my parents – I celebrated that they both were enthusiastic about going and that they ate well at the restaurant for lunch….and wanted their leftovers for dinner!

Snow suitable for patterns – Making patterns in the snow has been a treat this winter….celebrating my second attempt that benefited from my prior experience and the snow being wet (made the pattern I walked stand out more).

Pintails. I celebrated the picture of a pintail at Hagerman….one of my best so far this year.

Married life – Being married for over 51 years is something I often take for granted but, for some reason, I found myself celebrating more this month – that wasn’t even my annual anniversary. Having the long term relationship…a person that I know well, and that knows me well…is fundamental to the way I feel about just about everything else.

Port Aransas Whooping Crane Festival – Celebrating our first multi-day festival since COVID…more on our experiences in upcoming blog posts.

Parents’ house ready for new owner – Lots of coordination with my sisters…and physical work…celebrating that we got everything cleaned out before closing.

Transition Trips to Carrollton TX

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I’ve now made two trips to Texas since the beginning of the year and am planning a third. They are very different than before my parents moved to an assisted living group home.

  • I am not staying at their home. On the first trip, I stayed at a hotel relatively close to their group home. The second trip I stayed with my niece. The hotel turned out to be high stress because the deadbolt on my room was jammed (i.e. the chain was the only extra locking on the door). Staying with my niece was low stress for me but probably high stress for her.

  • Visits with my parents were short…not 24/7 like previously. I anticipated that change…but it still feels odd…like I am missing a lot. At the same time, I am much less anxious about how they are doing when me or my sisters are not there.

  • My sisters and I worked to get the house cleaned out and listed for sale. This is the first time I’ve been guiding the sale of a house that is not my own…and I am glad that the technology is there to allow for me to do part of it remotely. We got 2 full price offers on the 1st day it was on the market and have accepted one of them. We still have the garage and storage sheds to clear. We have the milestone of the closing by the end of the month. There is still the physical and emotional work of cleaning out items collected over my parents’ lives that they no longer need. The unseasonably warm weather has helped.

  • I stopped at Hagerman once…went to Josey Ranch twice…but didn’t spend as much time there. I stopped at a greenway park I hadn’t noticed before on the second trip. The places I get out into nature in Texas are going to be changing to parks closer to where my parents are living now…in Dallas rather than Carrollton.

  • We had joked about observing the 4/8 eclipse from my parents’ driveway…but the house will that theirs by that time. I am realizing how many family events centered on the location over the past 30+ years. It will feel strange to not go there anymore.

The transition is happening so quickly with their move to assisted living in early January and the sale of their home finalized at the end of February. It is hard emotionally and physically, but it is also not a prolonged agony. My sisters and I are looking forward to a new normal in March!

Glad to be Home

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As I write this, I have been home again for a week after being away almost 7 weeks. It had taken this long to get settle back into an at-home routine….to relax enough to feel truly rested! At first, I felt so exhausted that I took naps – which didn’t seem to help. It took me 5 days to fully empty my car. I needed the alone time after being so engaged with people all the time; I didn’t want to talk on the phone at all…had to force myself to check my text message. My emotions were still volatile, and I consciously started trying to unwind. Cutting back on caffeine, getting more exercise and quick neighborhood hikes (even though it was cold outside) finally worked.

It’s such a joy to just be home. I’ve enjoyed returning to spending more time just being in my house…cooking, reading, writing, making Zentangle tiles, and planning one or two vacation travels for the next 6 months. I pampered myself included burning a scented candle I’ve had for years, a facial (using supplies from a Christmas gift), hot apple cider rooibos tea, big red peppermint stick, and pumpkin oatmeal cookie bars.

As the days passed, I fell myself recovering…although there are some aspects of the past 7 weeks that might be a permanent change. I’ve learned more about how I deal with stress --- holding off its effects until the crisis is ‘over’ --- and then requiring time to recover. It is a strategy and provided enough resilience, but I might need to bolster by stress reduction techniques in preparation for the next crisis; more self-care during a crisis might make recovery easier (or unneeded).

I’ll be taking off for another trip to Carrollton TX soon, but the trip will be only 6 days this time! Much easier!

Anticipated Changes in 2024

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I don’t make resolutions anymore – but I do think about what I anticipate being different in the coming year.

Some changes are anticipated by situations I already recognize:

My parents are now in an assisted living group home rather than their own home. I will still travel to the Dallas are visit them at least monthly as I have for the past few years, but the trips will take 2 days rather than 8.

There will be a flurry of activity to see the total eclipse on April 8th. It could be a day trip if the weather is good or a three-day trip to someplace where the skies are clear.

My husband and I are ready to start attending birding festivals again…secure enough in the mostly outdoor venues and able to mask for the short times in crowded/enclosed spaces. We’ve registered for one in February already (the one we registered for last December was overcome by my need to stay in Carrollton).

A flurry of appointments with various doctors since I put off appointments for the last months of 2023.

Memberships to the zoo and a big cat sanctuary we got as gifts….motivating us to visit those places more frequently.

Other changes are about intention…and have the closest relationship to annual ‘resolutions:’

I intend to get intensity minutes (as measured by my Garmin watch) from ‘power walking’ in my neighborhood during the times I am not mowing the yard (and getting intensity minutes that way).

My husband suggested some core strengthening exercises to help my back (which aches too often). Maybe it will help me ‘shape up’ in other ways too.

I will donate, recycle, or trash items that I don’t need. Moving my parents to assisted living has prompted me to downsize stuff more than ever before! I am thinking more about what I truly need and/or value rather than just letting items accumulate over time.

Ramping up Elder Care – January 2024

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A lot has happened since I wrote the December chapter of ‘Ramping up Elder Care.’ The assisted living group home we initially found ended up not having space…so we looked at several others and settled on one that was probably better than the one we found in their neighborhood in every way but the location. When we took our parents to see their new home the day before the move, one was optimistic…the other one was silent but attentive.

The focused activity was intense to get them moved just before the end of 2023. Our strategy to have a night time caregiver in their home during December and then move them to assisted living worked….but it was more challenging that we anticipated.

  • The nightly caregivers were not consistent; we had over 5 people that handled the overnight shift during the month. Almost all of them slept for part of the night. One was very talkative. One was not very helpful. One got sick and had to leave early.

  • We opted to have two rooms for them in the assisted living group home – one for sleeping and the other for a private living room. It seems to be working well – better than having one larger room. There are 6 other people living in the assisted living group home.

  • Our parents had a lot of clothes that had accumulated over the years. Some no longer fit but one of them insisted that most were moved to assisted living.

  • There were a lot of toiletries. We opted to not take any that had dust on them! It was a harder than expected job to pack up what they would need.

  • My dad had to transition from a safety razor to an electric….which he hated.

  • My mother only began to stabilize on her meds toward the end of the month. For a few days we thought we might have to continue to give her two of her medications rather than transitioning those medications to the assisted living facility staff but it stabilized just before the big move. Physically, she made progress with the help of an excellent occupational therapist and the suggestion from a physical therapist to try massage boots for the edema in her feet and lower legs (OK’d by her vascular surgeon)

  • We celebrated their 71st wedding anniversary with special visits from family members and great food for the whole week before the move. It was joyous…but also stressful to get the visits scheduled at good times for everyone and to eat all the excellent leftovers!

  • One sister handled financies, another handled medical transition, another focused on evaluating what would need to be done with the contents of the house and sheds; I focused on my parents’ needs since I was in the house with them those last few weeks. Everyone helped pack up what needed to go on moving day….and it was still chaotic and stressful.

  • In retrospect…moving on the Friday before a holiday weekend was not the best decision because the staffing at the assisted living was reduced over the weekend and they had no time to learn to supply thickened liquids required by one of our parents (so we ended up supplying them for the weekend).

And now, as I write this, I am home in Missouri….monitoring via the cameras we’ve installed in their rooms at the assisted living but otherwise trying not to interfere as they get acclimated to their new surroundings.

The next stage is getting their house ready to sell. I’ll be back in Carrollton in mid-January for that project; hopefully I’ll be rested and ready to work by then! And my parents will be adjusted to the big move from their home to the assisted living group home.

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023

Zentangle® – December 2023

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Happy New Year 2024!

31 days in December –31 Zentangle tiles selected from the 75 created during the month. I was in Carrollton for the whole month so these were made in the quiet times during, sometimes intense, elder care; their create were welcomed islands of calm. I found myself reverting to ‘thickets’ again and again!

I left my scanner at home so the images were created with photos made with my phone…not as tidy as the scanned images of prior months but it was the best I could do when it came time to do this post!

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The Zentangle® Method is an easy-to-learn, relaxing, and fun way to create beautiful images by drawing structured patterns. It was created by Rick Roberts and Maria Thomas. “Zentangle” is a registered trademark of Zentangle, Inc. Learn more at zentangle.com.

Savoring a Holiday

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December has always been full of celebrations in my family – a birthday, an anniversary, the holidays. We are thinking back at all those celebrations this year as we savor the last one with my parents in their own home. To avoid exhausting/overwhelming my parents, we have extended the celebrations with family members coming to visit over the entire month rather than what had been our tradition in years past (large gatherings with huge amounts of food). They eat small meals now…but we’ve tried to include special foods from years past – eggnog, roast, turkey, Waldorf salad, cherry pie….maybe some mincemeat with  ice cream rather than a pie.

When my sisters and I were young, my parents allowed us to open a Christmas present each day between the birthday and Christmas. The new things on Christmas morning were from Santa. My maternal grandmother was the one that did the desserts and breads that I remember most from my childhood…raisin buns, kolaches…too a lesser extent cobblers and pies.

In the late 1980s, me and my sister shared the news that we were both pregnant with the first grandchildren in December. The babies were born a week apart the next year and I travelled to Maryland that December with my daughter (her first time on a plane). My grandmother was still making the holiday desserts!

My grandmother died in December 2010…but had given up cooking a few years before when her eyesight began to fade. Our holiday food has never been the same since; we don’t eat special breads anymore. I’ve tried kolaches from several bakeries, but they are never as good as the ones she made; compared to her soft bread around a large fruit center (apricot and cherry were my favorites), the bakery ones always seem more like hockey pucks.

As children grew up, the types of gifts changed too. In my family, gifts are now trending toward ‘experiences’ rather than ‘stuff.’

One of my sisters and I have given up putting up a tree in the past few years – opting for other decorations like wreaths and ornaments/cards from years past displayed in creative ways. None of us send cards anymore. One sister is having the big gathering her family on New Years this year because of work schedules!

But – we are all enjoying the daily small joys with my parents this December. We are all where we want and need to be.

Merry Christmas to all!

A Big Birthday

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I am celebrating a decadal birthday this year but haven’t made time to consider how I want to celebrate the event (my family has been asking). The default has become a series of whims….

  • Thoroughly enjoying some big candy canes (couldn’t find the peppermint barber poles that I bought every year until the past decade or so…the candy canes were close enough…rediscovering that I like peppermint candy better than chocolate!).

  • Going out for brunch during one of my breaks from elder care. It was a pleasant surprise to discover that the café had a special birthday pancakes meal. That was what I ordered, of course. Afterwards I walked around the pond at Josey Ranch photographing birds. The weather was sunny and cool. It was a perfect break from my focus on elder care.

  • My daughter is coming down from Missouri for the actual day. I’ve sent another list of stuff to bring from home. She will bring a gourmet cherry pie – which I will enjoy and so will my parents (a good rationale for pie over cake).

My husband had proposed a total tech refresh – new phone and laptop – but I turned that down at the time. Now I am rethinking that decision…but while I am away from home is no time to make tech changes and work through the transitions. The ‘big gifts’ will have to wait.

Sustaining Myself in the Caregiving Role

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I left my home in Missouri on November 15th and have been learning to be the caregiver my parents need at this point in their lives until my sisters and I can transition them to a new living situation that will meet their needs into the future. Now that it has been more than a month, I realize that some of my strategies developed during my career to reduce my stress and maintain my overall mental health are still serving me well:

  • Writing about something stressful as a way of letting it go…moving from anxiety to acceptance for things that cannot be changed.

  • Creating a little work of art every day (Zentangle)…focusing totally on it for the short time it takes to create it…a break from everything else going on.

  • Continuing a daily blog post that not only documents my journey…but produces something separate from the caregiving part of the day

I have discovered that little things that remind me that my other life still exists and is waiting for me to return are important to me – a telephone call with my daughter or husband (they have both been very supportive)….a walk outdoors even if it is just for a few minutes…photography. At the same time, finding bits of time for these activities can be a challenge. There is a similarity to caring for a young child: nap times for them become ‘me time’!

As I write this post, I am realizing that I am not fully sustaining myself for an indefinite period of caregiving and neither is my sister that is sharing caregiving with me. We are not as sleep deprived as we were during the hospitalization but we are not storing up reserves either; when little things go awry we are instantly feeling the stress of the situation and consciously staying focused exclusively on what our parents need.  We already have started the process to change my parents’ living situation in January that will shift much of the care giving role to assisted living staff; our interactions with our parents will shift to frequent visits and shared activities. We are preparing ourselves and them for the transition.