Elder Care – December 2024

There is always a flurry of activity during the holidays. My sisters and I are striving to make the activities we do with my dad enjoyable for him – rather than confusing/traumatic which can happen when a person does not understand the world as well as they did previously.

My sisters decorated his room for fall/Thanksgiving. I’m not sure how much he noticed because he didn’t comment about them. But they were decorations from his home before before he moved to assisted living. We all felt that continuing with the decorations was better than stopping the tradition.

He seemed to enjoy a Thanksgiving feast at my sister’s home. Another sister brought him from the assisted living place, there were only 4 other people for the feast, the meal was simpler than our Thanksgiving meals from the past (fewer choices), and he was back ‘home’ in about 3 hours.  I celebrated that the thoughtful accommodations seemed to work!

Now his room has been decorated from Christmas and a version of the display that was on the mantle of his home in previous years in on the mantle at the assisted living home where all the residents can enjoy it. Even if he doesn’t remember it from before – I hope that he enjoys the beauty of it now.

There are some rooms that have become available at the assisted living home; my sisters and I briefly talked about whether we want to move him to a different room – either slightly bigger or with a window with a better view; we decided it was not a good idea. It would be hard for him to adjust to the move …remembering where his new room was located would be challenging for him. He seems to feel secure and comfortable where he is now and knows where his room is from the shared areas of the house.

I’ll see him after Christmas this month!

Thanksgiving

I am thinking of Thanksgiving ahead of time – planning a quite holiday with family with activities planned before and after:

• The holiday light display is open for Friends of the Garden the Monday before Thanksgiving…so we will enjoy our first walk through of the season unless the weather is wet. I missed seeing them at all in 2023 because I was in Dallas for the later part of the year.

• I am not a black Friday shopper…but enjoy being outdoors (maybe working off some of the calories from the day before). Our November has been relatively mild…good hiking weather.

There is also plenty in my life to be thankful for right now:

• My dad is comfortable at his assisted living home; my sisters and I are able to visit him frequently.

• I have finished my Missouri Master Naturalist training, and the volunteering opportunities seem to be coming along as I expected. There is much to learn and do even during the winter.

• The Identifying Woody Plants class at Missouri State is about over…and I thoroughly enjoyed the field trips – learned a lot about great outdoor places close to where I live.

• Our home is snug – ready for winter…the sprinkler system winterized and the heating system checked.

• Both cars are performing well. Both have been used for road trips recently. My husband and I both appreciate the driver’s aids on modern cars when we make longer drives.

• The fall has been prolonged by the milder temperatures. The color might have been muted from less rain in the summer, but the length of the display made up for that.

• Internet Archive is back online. I missed it a lot while it was down and realize how much I savor browsing through its digitized old books; many of them are not available otherwise.

Life is good….

Sustaining Elder Care – November 2024

I have two book/puzzle sorting days at my community library before I go off to Dallas again…I am hoping to find some more 300-piece puzzles to take for my Dad. I think he is probably running a bit low and maybe my sister is bringing some older ones back that he hasn’t done recently. We don’t have as many 300-piece as we do 500…and those 500-piece ones are getting too hard for him.

The past month has been more stressful in terms of elder care than I anticipated. There is a disagreement between us daughters about whether he is having pain when he eats and he needs his food ground up. Observations of him eating are not consistent. We have asked the dentist he saw last to make an assessment….since to make the change in mealtime routine for the assisted living staff will require a doctor’s order.  On the plus side – I don’t think my dad is aware of the turmoil. Most of the interaction among my sisters and I is via text; I’ve stopped looking at the messages about an hour before bedtime to try to reduce the impact on my sleep. It’s also caused me to start thinking more about what I want my relationship with my sisters to be separate from our shared interest in our father’s well-being.

Book sorting for Friends of the Library

There were not a lot of books on the table to sort when I volunteered this week…and there weren’t any 300-piece puzzles on the shelves (I can buy them for $2 each to take to my Dad when there are).

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The shelves that we use for sorting were full for hardback fiction, softback fiction, history, and non-fiction. I boxed books and managed to mostly clear the table while I did.

Just as I was beginning to think I would finish early, a librarian brought in a cart of donated books! There was enough hardback fiction to fill a box – no trip to the shelves for them. And the rest I sorted onto shelves. And the big bonus: there was a 300-piece puzzle that will go to Dallas next time I make the trek!

Dallas and Back – October

I made my monthly trek to Dallas and back late last week. It was a cold morning as I left Missouri…getting away well before 6 and my nav system routing be around a nighttime road closure before I even made it to the highway! It was almost sunrise by the time I made my first rest stop. The color in the sky changed even in the short time I was in the building getting a protein shake for breakfast.

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The color was mostly faded when I stopped the second time although it was still within the hour after sunrise.

The drive was uneventful although it seems like there is more active construction on some parts of my route than a month ago. Perhaps they are trying to reach a milestone before winter weather or maybe previous work had been hampered by very high temperatures in southern Oklahoma and Texas.

I visited with my dad and then headed to the hotel to relax…recover from getting up a little earlier than usual and driving for almost 7 hours.

The next morning, I was up and ready for a breakfast at the hotel at 6:30 then arrived to visit my dad shortly after 8 AM. We took a walk around the block. The weather was coolish (he wore a quilted vest over his long-sleeved shirt) and the sun was bright. Some of the houses had fall/Halloween decorations. The bald cypress trees I had noticed last time I walked with him were beginning to lose their needles. They will be ‘bald’ soon!

I was on the road heading home shortly after 10. The drive between the assisted living residence in Dallas and the border between Texas and Oklahoma is the most stressful part of the route – the speed limit is 70 mph for most of the way and people are trying to go that fast and beyond even when the traffic is too heavy to allow that safely.

I got home by about 5:30 and my husband informed me that we might be about to see the aurora after it got dark. We went out about 8…and there it was…faint but definitely some color in the Missouri sky!

Sustaining Eldercare – October 2024

A big worry in any group living situation with older people – something contagious going around - seemed to be happening in late September. Dad developed upper respiratory congestion and was not feeling well at all; the medication his doctor prescribed made his balance even more precarious but appeared to help him otherwise. No one else in the assisted living residence had it so it might have been a seasonal allergy flare up. He is the only resident that goes outdoors on a regular basis – for his walks around the block and to help water plants around the patio. He is back to normal at this point and the family is very relieved.

We are continuing to enjoy jigsaw puzzles with him. There are some clues that don’t work for him anymore – like tiny writing on a puzzle piece; his eyesight is not good enough to read the words.

One of my sisters took a closer look at his toothbrush and electric shaver recently. The toothbrush needs to be replaced, and the electric shaver looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned for a long time. Since both of those things are items we need to provide for him, we should have been monitoring them more closely. We are good about the things we do for him daily (like putting out clothes for the next day) but probably need a list of things we check periodically (like the toothbrush and electric shaver)! The other toiletries – like toothpaste and lotion and soap – were already on our radar and there are extras of those things already available under the sink of his bathroom.

He has been living in the assisted living residence for 10 months now. My sisters and I are still tweaking how we best support him…some is just to be expected since we want to be responsive as his needs change, but other tweaks are discoveries for us of things we should have been doing proactively all along (like checking the toothbrush and the electric razor).

Road trip to Texas – September 2024

I made a 2-day road trip to Texas to visit my father. It was the usual 7 hours on the road each direction. It was dark when I left my house. The moon was close to the horizon and looking very large. I should have stopped for a picture when a few clouds drifted over part of it – missed the opportunity. More clouds and fog blinked out the moon before I got to my first rest stop and gave the day an eerie start. I was more than halfway to Texas before the temperature was in the mid70s, but Dallas was in the 90s when I got to my dad’s assisted living home. We finished a puzzle and watered plants around the back patio, but it was too hot to take him for a walk around the block.

I had forgotten that there was a partial lunar eclipse…didn’t venture out of my hotel room. My husband sent a picture the next morning that he took from our front yard.

The next morning I visited my father right after breakfast…a great time for a walk. He is moving more slowly but walks often enough that other walkers in the neighborhood recognize him! There is a lot of home maintenance/improvement going on in the neighborhood. One family had enclosed more of their yard and made rock gardens in the parts that are too shady for much to grow; a small branch had fallen from the tree and was leaning on one of the larger rocks….photo-op.

There was an interesting leaf in the middle of the street…..not the usual fall foliage. It might have been from a Bradford Pear. My dad was so focused on walking that he didn’t seem interested in the leaf, but I took it back to his room as a memento to share with his next visitor.

Getting out of Dallas was a bit challenging. There seemed to be more-than-the-usual stalled cars/trucks (in traffic lanes on US 75 rather than off to the side) and there was some construction. I made a stop to relax a bit close to the border with Oklahoma…and am glad that the rest of the drive back to Missouri was uneventful.

Sustaining Elder Care – September 2024

The past month has been challenging with one sister still traveling and another exposed to COVID (disrupting her visits to my dad). We have still sustained our goal for someone in the family to see him every day.

He is changing a bit too…often wanting to go to bed much earlier than usual. That compresses the time for us to have a good visit with him. Sometimes he will get up when one of us arrives and work on the puzzle or go for a walk if it is still light outside. It helps that the weather is not quite as hot as it was in August.

I found 9 puzzles at a used book/puzzle sale done by the Springfield MO libraries and my sister that it traveling has purchased puzzles at some of the places she visited. One of the ones I found might be kept until closer to Christmas rather than leaving it for him to do now.

The staff at his assisted living home has encouraged us to proactively reduce the clutter in his room so his day-to-day activities are less confusing to him. We’ve cleared surfaces by putting some things in enclosed storage areas and reduced the numbers of linens (he had more than double what he needed!). We took away shoes and clothes that he doesn’t wear any more. We tried to transition him from jeans to pull-on type pants and discovered that he wants to stay with the jeans!

His medical team which makes house calls for his checkups has done bloodwork, and he is in good health. But he is over 90 and some days he feels better than others.

One of my sisters is looking for ways to use his television screen to provide visually interesting slideshows; he is not interested in watching television shows or the news anymore. Hopefully we can do some experimenting over the next month to see if we can develop another activity he can enjoy.

Sustaining Elder Care – August 2024

One of my sisters is taking an extended road trip this month, so the 3 of us still around are adjusting so that one of use sees my dad every day. The real crunch will come later this month when another sister will be out of town for a week. It’s a good thing the assisted living home seems relatively calm at this point and dad is getting morning walks, puzzle time, and eating as well as usual.

He likes puzzles with fewer pieces now (up to 500…rarely one with 1000 if there are a lot of clues in the puzzle and the pieces are not too small). I had one puzzle that I took during my first visit this month and there will be an opportunity to buy used puzzles before I go later in the month. We are also starting through some of the puzzles he did months ago; his memory is such that he doesn’t remember them from before…they are a good challenge all over again.

His doctor has taken him off all the supplements he had been taking for years because they were causing him digestive problems. It was more difficult for him to swallow them now too. He gets the equivalent of a multivitamin as a liquid (purchased in powder form and taken mixed with water); he is feeling much better after the change.

Another change that is occurring – he appears to have developed ingrown toenails for the first time in his life. Fortunately, the assisted living has a podiatrist that comes periodically. We are scurrying to buy some open toed shoes for the day after the ingrown toenails are resolved.

The plants one of my sisters planted around the back porch area of the house had required daily watering – which we were all doing as part of our visit with dad – but the house sprinkler system has been fixed and we only need to water on days that it doesn’t run now.

We are beginning to feel that we have a routine that works for us and my dad (and the staff at the assisted living home) although we are very conscious that the routine will need to be tweaked as his needs change.

Sustaining Elder Care – July 2024

A full month had passed since my visit to my father in June and I noticed that his situation seemed calmer this month although the staff at the assisted living home were stressed with acclimating 2 new residents and the further decline of another. It took them longer to answer the front doorbell on both of my visits, but on both days my dad’s room was clean, he was dressed in clean clothes, and he had just finished a meal.

Since I arrive in the afternoon, it was too hot for a walk outdoors. One of the staff members stopped by to tell me she had taken him in the morning just after breakfast. We finished a puzzle in the great room (he was very pleased since the easy parts had been done the day before and the remaining pieces were mostly the same color). Afterward we went into the back yard, and he sat in the shade while I watered the plants that my sister managed to transfer from his former home; they need to be watered daily in the hot Dallas summer; my mother’s miniature rose bush is blooming profusely. I put out his clothes for the next day. It seems 2 to 2.5 hours is the ideal duration for visits with him. When I left, he was going to take a nap.

The next morning, I got bitten by something (ants?) as I waited for a staff member to let me into the house (fortunately the welts disappeared quickly once I used my After Bite stick). The staff were evidently overwhelmed with helping another resident (or two); they left the door a little ajar so I could immediately take Dad for a walk. The temperature was still pleasant, and I was surprised at the pace Dad set; it is clear that he is walking regularly and had built up his stamina. We made it around the block in good time – but enough that whatever was keeping the staff busy had resolved by the time we got back. I encouraged my dad to drink some water and we started a new puzzle. It turned out to be harder than we anticipated, and we only got about 2/3 of the border done before we decided to take a break to water plants in the backyard. And he was worn out from those activities…ready for a nap before lunch!

My dad is visited by me or my sisters almost every day. We all put out clothes for him to wear the next day and (right now) water plants. If the weather permits, we take him for a walk. We work on a puzzle with him. There has been at least one instance where he has requested that a puzzle be framed for his wall – and participated in the process to get it ready for the frame. He seems to be settling into a comfortable pattern.

The newest challenge has been him getting cold and putting on a jacket when he is in his room. Evidently the thermostat for his part of the house is in the kitchen and when there is a lot of cooking happening there it gets hot enough to cause the air conditioner to come on. His room gets about 5 degrees cooler than the kitchen! The staff is aware of the issue and is monitor. We are also reminding him that it is warmer in the community room where the puzzle table and large recliners are located…but he seems to prefer the jacket and his room at least some of the time!

Previous Elder Care posts

Sustaining Elder Care – June 2024

A lot had happened over the past month.

A resident of the assisted living home came down with a respiratory infection but was getting better; then another one became sick and spent a few days in the hospital before returning. My dad didn’t get sick at all. The episode caused an uptick in anxiety for my sisters and I for a few days.  

One of my sisters was going to cut his toenails and discovered two small wounds on his leg. He didn’t remember how he’d gotten them and there was no incident reported by the staff. Fortunately, they were not infected and appeared to be healing.

With the staff turnover, we have realized that his medications are not being given as consistently as we assumed. One of my sisters reviewed the meds with a staff member and discovered that the supply of some supplements had be depleted and no one had told us more needed to be purchased! Most of what he takes are supplements, but now we are concerned about whether he has been getting his few prescription drugs reliably since his ophthalmologist discovered he had a small stroke near one of his optic nerves and can only see light and colors in that eye now; we will always wonder whether the assisted living staffers were giving him the eye drops prescribed to lower the pressure in his eyes.  

My dad complained of his front teeth hurting; we have known for some time that his lower teeth were loose and that there was not enough bone or other teeth to do any kind of restoration. The decision had been made to cut up his food and train him to avoid using those front teeth. But that was before they started hurting. My sister that handles most of his medical appointments contacted the doctor that comes to the assisted living home for most of his medical needs and discovered that they there is a dentist in their practice! Within a few days, the dentist came, got updated x-rays, and pulled two lower teeth! Both were not in much bone and were relatively easy to pull. Now the staff really will have to pay more attention and cut up his food consistently; even though the requirement has been in their document for him since January, they seem to lapse into serving him food that he can’t eat with the teeth he has (or rather doesn’t have).

The only doctor he leaves the assisted living home to see is a dermatologist; a small skin cancer was removed this month. The visits are quite tiring for him…being in the car, waiting for the doctor…the procedure itself is very short. My sisters and I anticipate a time when he won’t be able to withstand that kind of medical appointment.

He is still doing puzzles – enjoying the shared project with anyone visiting him. He is joyous every time one is finished.

The flower beds at the assisted living home contain some of the plants from his previous home…planted by one of my sisters. They are doing well however, she is frustrated that one of the beds that she hasn’t work on, is full of Virginia Creeper; she is too allergic to do anything that bed.

The weather in Dallas has gotten hot enough that walking in the afternoon with Dad might not be a good idea. We all try to take him for neighborhood walks whenever the weather is cool enough. The walks will probably be more and more skewed to the mornings.

Dad seems to be adjusting to the upheavals well enough. He is more resilient that any of us anticipated.

Previous Elder Care posts

Sustaining Elder Care – May 2024

Since my last ‘sustaining elder care’ post, I have been to Dallas twice and am acknowledging that maybe my plan to drive down once a month is not going to work. Two times a month is becoming my more realistic plan.

Now that the days are longer, I can visit in the afternoon on the day I drive down and again in the morning before I drive back to Missouri. My dad is the only morning person in his assisted living group home so visiting him in the morning is prime one-on-one time. He frequently has a ‘first breakfast’ before anyone else is awake (about the time I arrive) and then eats again with everyone else. Between the two light meals we can take a walk around the block or maybe further if his stamina increases; in the summer, the morning walk might be his only walk of the day.

One of the challenges right now is that my dad tends to lose track of his reading glasses (he needs them to work on puzzles). My sister has brought a supply but hopefully some of them will show up again. While we were working on the puzzle during my morning visit, he did it without glasses! He seemed to enjoy the challenge of working from the shape of the piece entirely – and he was successful plenty of times.

I bought 10 more puzzles at the $3/bag day at my Missouri library’s used books (and puzzles) sale. What a bargain! One of them was a duplicate but it still was a good deal! We started the beach and lighthouse puzzle in the upper left corner of the picture below during my first visit in May.

There has been some upheaval at the assisted living home – the lead staff member being reassigned to another home and some leadership being rotated in from other homes – the company searching for a permanent replacement. There is also a new resident in a room near my dad’s. So far, he seems to be unperturbed by the changes, but my sisters and I are thinking more about what our plan would be if something went very wrong at the home where he is.

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Then and Now – Family

In the 1960s, I was growing up in a large extended family. My mother had 8 siblings and my father, an only child, was close to his cousins. Most of our traveling was to visit family. By the time I was in elementary school, my parents had a second car, and my mother took us to her parents’ home for a week or so during the summer to see the aunt and uncles…continuously growing number of cousins. I remember my grandfather’s construction projects that included a covered patio/carport with a very long table and bench overlooking a large elm where he’d fashioned a table and benches to fit neatly around its large trunk. We ate every meal aside from breakfast outdoors! There was also a large barbeque pit with a huge grill and an oven built into the chimney. He built a fountain of natural stone near the garden…the swimming pool was a little further away. Prior to the swimming pool being built, he often found a river suitable for swimming for all the aunts and cousins….and he would do some fishing. I enjoyed one-on-one time with my maternal grandmother at her work (she owned/ran the mill); I remember her writing letters to one of her daughters that lived far away over a few days before deciding it was long enough and sending it off.

 My paternal grandparents moved to live near us in the late 50s, so I saw them very frequently – lots of good food, gardening, crocheting, sewing, dominoes and checkers. We saw my dad’s extended family at gatherings held at his paternal aunt’s house. I remember my great aunt had hollyhocks beside her porch. We visited his maternal aunts (and grandmother) that lived in the same town. I associate my great-grandmother with chocolate covered graham crackers and her daughters with plants (my grandmother had a number of plants that she received originally from her sisters).

The food was always plentiful and included veggies from the garden. The paternal side of the family also cooked Czech desserts (kolaches!).

Now the family is significantly smaller. I have 3 sisters and am the only one that lives further away; only 1 of my sisters has children so the number of cousins is small. My husband had 2 sisters, but they are already gone as is his extended family. My sisters and I are transitioning from a relationship that has be very focused on caring for our parents over the past few years – not yet settled into a new normal without our mother. I am not close to my cousins although I have been seeing 3 of them more frequently at funerals recently…realizing that we have in common our adjustment to life after long-lived parents die.

I drive from my home in Missouri to visit my dad near Dallas once or twice a month in his assisted living home. My daughter goes with me sometimes. One sister visits him almost daily. The other two visit once or twice a week when they are town. I try to see at least one of them when I visit Dad. Two of them have visited us in Missouri. We text each other frequently – mostly keeping each other informed about what is happening with Dad. There are infrequent emails, phone calls, or zoom meeting. I enjoy my access to a frequently updated cloud folder of great nephew pictures. The way we keep in touch when we are not together has changed significantly since the 1960s!

Food had changed as well. We seem to all have foods we are avoiding now (and the problematic foods are not the same!)…and desserts are not something we want as frequently. We tend to go to a restaurant for special occasions more often then eating at home.

Previous Then and Now posts

Sustaining Elder Care – April 2024

2-day trips to Dallas have become the norm for me. I leave early from home, visit my dad immediately after I get to Dallas in the early afternoon and take care of any other business thereafter…then stay in a hotel overnight and drive home the next day. Now that the days are getting longer, perhaps I might visit him a second time in the morning before I head home although the assisted living group home is not ‘early.’ I probably would not want to arrive for a visit before 10 AM.

Dad still enjoys going out to eat and we are exploring more places nearby.

The warmer weather is great for walks. We have discovered that he does better with a four-wheeled walker than the two-wheeled one. The rough pavement makes it very hard to use the two-wheeled one. His balance is much improved holding onto the four-wheeled walker and he walks at a pace that is more like the way he walked prior to using a walker.

He has decided that 500 pieces puzzles are usually too hard…and he wants bigger pieces. I got 10 puzzles for $20 at the library’s used books (and puzzles) sale; knowing what they have is one of the benefits of volunteering for setup. Most of the puzzles I got have 300 pieces and I am hopefull my dad and others at the group home will enjoy putting them together. I picked ones with bright colors too – although that wasn’t a requirement from my dad.

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One of my sisters and her husband took my dad to her home to see the eclipse on the 8th. Unfortunately, he didn’t understand what was happening and kept asking where he was. It was a learning experience for our family – we will continue to enjoy taking him out to lunch occasionally but be very careful not to overwhelm him with more complex events away from his assisted living home.

I had thought I would be able to get down to one visit per month…but so far that hasn’t happened.

Previous Elder Care posts

Birthdays

The birthdays in my family are almost all in March, April, and May! So – I’m thinking about the way we have celebrated birthdays over the years. The age range for the group of 8 is 2-93 years!

Food has always played a big role in birthday celebrations. Sometimes there was cake – bakery (I remember a few in the 1960s where the cake was in the form of an elaborate dress around a Barbie doll), homemade, or ice cream (strawberry or mint chocolate chip being the most popular flavors). Recently there hasn’t been cake for most adult birthdays since we’re all reducing sugar in our diets. But we do enjoy a meal at a restaurant…or take out…or a special home cooked meal. When I was growing up, my paternal grandmother was the one that prepared most special meals which always included her Czech pastries: buns with raisin centers, kolaches and cinnamon rolls.

If we can’t be at the celebration in person, we at least acknowledge the birthday. These days I send texts …previously we sent emails…and further back there were cards. Since all the people with spring birthdays live in the Dallas area, most of the family manages to participate in the celebration….except for my family who live in Missouri.

As we’ve gotten older, there are less presents exchanged…it’s the time spent together that is the primary component. We tend to get things for each other in a more ad hoc way and try to avoid presents that will simply be ‘stuff’ that accumulates through the years.

The oldest of us (my dad) enjoys a good meal so there will be one on his birthday…but he enjoys the outings to a restaurant so much that we are doing it more frequently. My sisters and I are all keen to discover what he likes…and provide it! We don’t need the excuse of a birthday or other celebration… we are simply in the mode of savoring that he is still with us!

Sustaining Elder Care – March 2024

A recap: My sisters and I started our journey ramping up elder care back in November. At first we thought we were being proactive in our conversation about ‘next steps’ with my parents’ doctor….but, less than a week later, my mother was critically ill and in the hospital. I spent the next 7 weeks in Texas. My mother managed to recover enough to come home before Thanksgiving even though she needed a lot of support at home. We hired caregivers to assist her at night through December and moved my parents to an assisted living group home just before the new year. As we worked to get them settled into the assisted living routine, we started a surge of effort to get their house cleared and on the market; the sale was finalized at the end of February. Both parents responded favorably to assisted living and decided they wanted to go out to eat occasionally rather than having special meals via take out as we had done for them at their house. In mid-February, they became sick with COVID…my dad first; he got Paxlovid and was recovering. My mother tested positive a few days later; her doctor adjusted her meds and she got Paxlovid; at first her case seemed even less symptomatic than my dad’s; the staff at the group home thought her breathing was wheezy one afternoon (even though my mother did not think she was having breathing problems) and sent her to the hospital via ambulance; she died 2 hours later.

The last few weeks have been busy ones. We reconfigured my dad’s living space from two rooms down to one and are in the process adjusting the assets my mom and dad accumulated to support his long-term care. As I write this, I realize that we have already settled into a ‘sustaining’ rather than ‘ramping up’ mind set. It isn’t that we won’t evolve what we do based on my dad’s needs…but we have a framework that will stay the same: the assisted living group home…daily visits from family….out to eat several times a month…walking in the neighborhood when the weather is good. Right now, he is still adjusting to not having mom around all the time; she was there for him for over 71 years. We are grateful to the staff of the assisted living for their increased attention. He still has times when he looks lonely…but he is talking more than he did when mom was around to talk for him.

Going forward, my trips to Texas will be quick ones – drive down and visit with dad in the afternoon before I head to my hotel, drive home the next day. Sometimes I will visit with dad in the morning before I drive back. I have done 2 of these trips so far in March. My sisters are there more frequently because they live closer than I do – one is there almost every day, another comes 2-3 times per week, another once or twice a week. Along with taking him out to eat, we put out his clothes for the next day, work on a puzzle with him, accompany him on a walk, help him find something that he lost (his wallet with his id and he glasses tend to go missing).

My sisters and I have had conversations about how much we have accomplished in the past few months – having to adjust very rapidly. We are not exactly relaxed at this point, but the stress level is dramatically lower!

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024, February 2024, March 2024 (1)

Ramping up Elder Care – March 2024 (1)

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, so I am going to write 2 ‘ramping up elder care’ posts in March. In my mid-February post, I wrote “Are we through the bend…or is more to come before we settle into the new normal?” We were already getting accustomed to my parents’ house being sold…but we were also anxious with my dad testing positive for COVID. My mother tested positive a few days after he did….and died suddenly  few days later after being in the hospital for about 2 hours. So - the bend in my family’s collective life path is continuing into March.

My mother’s funeral was on the 1st. Dad was pleased with his appearance for the funeral; one of the assisted living staff helped him get into his suit (which he had not worn for a few years --- the last time was to a granddaughter’s wedding)…found another shirt so the neck would button and he could wear a tie! My sisters and I alternated being with him during the visitation and service. He seemed to enjoy my slide-by-slide narration of the pictures of Mother’s life from a young child to a few days before she died at 92. He also liked the limo. He did not like seeing Mother in the casket…thought it didn’t look like her even though he acknowledged that it was. He looked a few times then seemed to prefer watching the slideshow.

 My dad is grieving but very engaged with the reconfiguration of his living area at the assisted living group home. We started setting expectations a few days before the funeral so he would not be surprised when the furniture moves started to happen and it helped him internalize that mother was not coming back. The bed my mother has been using was one provided by the assisted living home and it was removed while we were at the funeral. We were all relieved that he didn’t seem traumatized that it was gone.   He is talking more than usual (he previously has always deferred to mother) ….and is more opinionated about how he would like things arranged. My sisters and I are spending more time with him, and the staff is very helpful. The staff has figured out that a small serving of ice cream is a great treat for him…and smooths out rough emotional times. So far – he seems to be surprising us with how well he is navigating his ‘new normal’ without his partner for over 71 years.

My dad’s reactions have been so positive that my sisters and I have already cleared away most of my mother’s belongings. It was a good time for us to talk to each other and him….noting some of the clothes she had worn for years…and others that were almost new…and trying out ideas for where furniture would be moved.

I don’t know for sure that we are at a new normal yet. We are with him more than usual…just to be sure he is OK. So far…he seems to be.

A few last pictures from my parents back yard the day before we closed on the 28th:

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One of the neighbors asked the new owner if he could cut the narcissus and daffodil flowers from the yard to bring to the funeral….and the new owner said yes!

One of the neighbors asked the new owner if he could cut the narcissus and daffodil flowers from the yard to bring to the funeral….and the new owner said yes!

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024, February 2024

Zentangle® – February 2024

February was a stressful month. The pile of tiles I selected these 29 from was finished before the death of my mother. At the end of March….I’ll look at what might be different about the before and after tiles. As I write this post, I am still in the stage of being preoccupied and cycling through various stages of grief; when I think I have reached  level of acceptance, I find myself thinking ‘oh mom would enjoy hearing/seeing this’ before I consciously remind myself that she is gone; I am realizing that my subconscious is churning away and interfering with my ability to focus too.

The square tiles this month are made on the usual neon colored card stock. Most of the time I can make patterns on both sides of the tile…unless I use the thicker pens and the color bleeds through.

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The rectangular tiles are a mix of recycled light weight cardboard from cat food boxes (light brown), the wider tiles that are textured stationery from my dad’s business over 30 years ago that I found in his office when we cleaned it out, and the pale yellow/green 3x5 cards are also from his office (he carried them in his shirt pocket for notes….and then stopped about 5 years ago).

The past few months have re-enforced my self-knowledge that making a Zentangle tile (or two or three…) every day helps me through stressful times.

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The Zentangle® Method is an easy-to-learn, relaxing, and fun way to create beautiful images by drawing structured patterns. It was created by Rick Roberts and Maria Thomas. “Zentangle” is a registered trademark of Zentangle, Inc. Learn more at zentangle.com.

Ten Little Celebrations – February 2024

I am always a little surprised at how easy it is to record something I celebrated every day…and how it is sometimes hard to pick the top 10 near the end of the month. The habit probably has helped me be more resilient to whatever is not going well….and appreciative of how fortunate I am.

A warm day to get the naked lady bulbs and iris rhizomes planted – Actually there were two Feburary days that were warm enough; I used one for planting in my yard and another for planting in my daughters.

Getting a full price offer on my Parents house – This was another double celebration since the offer and the closing happened in February.

Earl Grey tea – I seem to forget how much I like it…then celebrate rediscovering it.

Home again – After the many weeks away late in 2023, I find myself celebrating each and every time I arrive back home.

Out to lunch with my parents – I celebrated that they both were enthusiastic about going and that they ate well at the restaurant for lunch….and wanted their leftovers for dinner!

Snow suitable for patterns – Making patterns in the snow has been a treat this winter….celebrating my second attempt that benefited from my prior experience and the snow being wet (made the pattern I walked stand out more).

Pintails. I celebrated the picture of a pintail at Hagerman….one of my best so far this year.

Married life – Being married for over 51 years is something I often take for granted but, for some reason, I found myself celebrating more this month – that wasn’t even my annual anniversary. Having the long term relationship…a person that I know well, and that knows me well…is fundamental to the way I feel about just about everything else.

Port Aransas Whooping Crane Festival – Celebrating our first multi-day festival since COVID…more on our experiences in upcoming blog posts.

Parents’ house ready for new owner – Lots of coordination with my sisters…and physical work…celebrating that we got everything cleaned out before closing.

Ramping up Elder Care – February 2024

My parents have rediscovered the joy of going out to a restaurant for a meal. The weekday late lunchtime seems to work best (i.e. not crowded). It is quite a production: two elderly people with walkers…and two (or three) others with them. One of my sisters bought a small refrigerator for their room and they relish being able to put their leftovers there (and seem to prefer eating them for their next meal!). This is probably something I will try to do with them every time I visit. There are a lot of restaurants near the assisted living group home to experience.

Sometimes major bends in our life path are only recognized in retrospect; the events of January and February 2024 are a bend everyone in my family anticipated and acknowledges in real time. My sisters and I are acclimating to others providing the day to day care of our parents with their move to an assisted living home and the family has lost a long term hub for family events with the selling of their house.

• My parents moved to an assisted living group home at the end of 2023. They’ve settled into their new environment. My mother is improving; maybe it is simply a trend that started back in December, but it could also be the increased social interactions and her confidence that someone is always available to help. It is still challenging for my sisters and I to back away and not jump to assist them when we visit. The staff is helpful and patient with everyone! My dad is about the same although he was very disoriented at first; he is eating well.

• My sisters and I began to clean out my parents’ house soon after we moved them. They had lived in the house for over 30 years. There was a lot to go through. I made two short (less than a week) trips to Carrollton to help. During January we cleared most of the house by

  • Distributing furniture to family members or selling it or marking it for donation. I took two small tables, and my daughter took a larger octagon table for her office.

  • Donating clothes. There was very little that someone else in the family could wear. The closets in their assisted living rooms are filled to the brim with clothes that they wear.

  • Following the ‘bequeath’ list for decorative and kitchen items. I got 2 items from their 50th anniversary (one passed down from my maternal grandparents’ 50th), 1 from my parents’ 25th  anniversary, items that I remember from my childhood (a knife, fork and spoon of the silver plate my mother bought before she married; a orange cut glass bowl that I bought as a present to my Mother because it was her favorite color), 2 paintings my mother made (one of a dogwood blossom…and the pressed flower that I sent to her in 1984 from my Virginia house that she used as her model), the remnants of my maternal grandmother’s China….too many things to name although I am realizing that I should make a list for myself.

• The house went on the market on February 1st and we accepted a full-price offer on the 2nd. Closing was requested for 2/28. February became a sprint to clear out the two sheds on the property and donate the furniture that no one in the family wanted. I made a very focused trip to help.

  • Salvation Army came with a truck to get furniture and boxes of books. It was tricky since the city had the street in front of the house torn up (infrastructure update project). The truck managed the pickup from the alley.

  • Tools were mostly distributed to the sister that wanted them. Some were tools from my paternal grandfather.  My daughter got a telescoping tree trimmer (she has the bigger trees…but I can borrow it when I need it).

  • The trash and recycle bins were full for every pickup and some items were put at the curb in front of a neighbor’s house for bulk pickup.

  • Some odds and ends were taken to be repurposed. I got some white vertical blinds (not attached to anything…just loose pieces of blind) which I plan to cover with Zentangle patterns and hang (not sure where yet). There were three small pieces of Masonite that I got for another Zentangle project. Some pieces of wood were taken by my sisters for art projects and specific repairs at their house.

  • One sister is having the king headboard (purchased in 1963…beautiful wood) made into a display case. She also took the antique meat grinder that we found in one of the sheds.

  • Another sister is taking most of the yard equipment to distribute to her family’s houses so that it will be easier for her to do yard maintenance.

Are we through the bend….or is more to come before we settle into a new normal? As I write this my dad has tested positive for COVID-19. The symptoms were mild and initially attributed to some new eye drops. He was tested after one of my sisters that visits frequently tested positive. He is getting Paxlovid. This is the first experience with COVID for him and my mother; they are both vaccinated. Hopefully this will be a minor blip and we’ll achieve a new normal in March.

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024