My Parents’ House

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Once the decision was made in mid-December with my parents to move to an assisted living group home, I found myself examining the house that that had called home for more than 30 years – the last home they would own…the only one that didn’t still have a mortgage when they moved. The contents documented the whole of their lives.

The creation of the garden room not long after they moved into the house was a project that added more than space to the house.

The space was lined with house plants (some that had grown quite large) and had great light. The jigsaw puzzle table was there…a rocker and glide…and a transport chair that was easily maneuvered into a sunny spot to observe birds outside at the feeder or read the paper. The glide, puzzle table, and transport chair were moved to the assisted living group home.

The large plant in the foreground of the picture with the transport chair is one that grew up into the skylight of the garden room over the decades. My sister had brought it home from her work when an office closed. It bloomed in December (something it had done rarely over the years)…to the joy of my parents and the whole family. My sister has now managed to move it (in a U-Haul truck) to her house about an hour away; we were all relieved that it survived the trek intact.

A clay pot that another sister made was in the corner of my parents bedroom holding a collection of peacock feathers and dried seed pod/flowers….a suncatcher. My mother selected it as something to move with her – perhaps because of the memories of each item and the vase itself. Peacock feathers are special in my family because my maternal grandparents kept peacocks in their later years.

Back in the garden room a small poinsettia purchased recently sat on the windowsill. The second image is my favorite artsy image of December 2023! The pot was small enough for the windowsill at the assisted living group home so it moved with my parents.

We are now in the phase of sifted though everything in the house….taking a little more to my parents, distributing items to family members and my parents’ friends, donating some items….recycling and trash are the last resort. There are ups and downs to the work. It is giving us time to internalize the pivot point in my parents’ lives (and our own).

Ramping up Elder Care – January 2024

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A lot has happened since I wrote the December chapter of ‘Ramping up Elder Care.’ The assisted living group home we initially found ended up not having space…so we looked at several others and settled on one that was probably better than the one we found in their neighborhood in every way but the location. When we took our parents to see their new home the day before the move, one was optimistic…the other one was silent but attentive.

The focused activity was intense to get them moved just before the end of 2023. Our strategy to have a night time caregiver in their home during December and then move them to assisted living worked….but it was more challenging that we anticipated.

  • The nightly caregivers were not consistent; we had over 5 people that handled the overnight shift during the month. Almost all of them slept for part of the night. One was very talkative. One was not very helpful. One got sick and had to leave early.

  • We opted to have two rooms for them in the assisted living group home – one for sleeping and the other for a private living room. It seems to be working well – better than having one larger room. There are 6 other people living in the assisted living group home.

  • Our parents had a lot of clothes that had accumulated over the years. Some no longer fit but one of them insisted that most were moved to assisted living.

  • There were a lot of toiletries. We opted to not take any that had dust on them! It was a harder than expected job to pack up what they would need.

  • My dad had to transition from a safety razor to an electric….which he hated.

  • My mother only began to stabilize on her meds toward the end of the month. For a few days we thought we might have to continue to give her two of her medications rather than transitioning those medications to the assisted living facility staff but it stabilized just before the big move. Physically, she made progress with the help of an excellent occupational therapist and the suggestion from a physical therapist to try massage boots for the edema in her feet and lower legs (OK’d by her vascular surgeon)

  • We celebrated their 71st wedding anniversary with special visits from family members and great food for the whole week before the move. It was joyous…but also stressful to get the visits scheduled at good times for everyone and to eat all the excellent leftovers!

  • One sister handled financies, another handled medical transition, another focused on evaluating what would need to be done with the contents of the house and sheds; I focused on my parents’ needs since I was in the house with them those last few weeks. Everyone helped pack up what needed to go on moving day….and it was still chaotic and stressful.

  • In retrospect…moving on the Friday before a holiday weekend was not the best decision because the staffing at the assisted living was reduced over the weekend and they had no time to learn to supply thickened liquids required by one of our parents (so we ended up supplying them for the weekend).

And now, as I write this, I am home in Missouri….monitoring via the cameras we’ve installed in their rooms at the assisted living but otherwise trying not to interfere as they get acclimated to their new surroundings.

The next stage is getting their house ready to sell. I’ll be back in Carrollton in mid-January for that project; hopefully I’ll be rested and ready to work by then! And my parents will be adjusted to the big move from their home to the assisted living group home.

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023

Last Sunrise of 2023

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I was in my parents’ house alone on the last day of 2023. They had already moved to assisted living (more on that in the monthly ‘ramping up elder care’ post coming soon) and the first round of distribution of the furniture had occurred: to their new home, to the rest of the family. It felt odd to be there without them and without the jumble of possessions that had been there for over 30 years. The beauty of the sunrise changed the trajectory of my mood for the better!

I loved the color caught in the line of trees visible from the backyard. I took several zoomed images. I think the last one is my favorite.

It occurred to me that the prettiest sunrises are not the ones the occur on a clear morning…it takes some clouds to catch/reflect the light. Maybe that is a good analogy for life too – that complexity and challenge make life better!

123 Years Ago

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One of my grandfathers was born 123 years ago today. He died in the mid-70s…the first of my grandparents to be born…and the first to die. I find myself thinking about him and my other grandparents every year on his birthday; somehow it was the easiest of my grandparents’ birthdays to remember. The last one died in 2010.

As I’ve been thinking a lot about elder care recently, I’m realizing that only one of my grandparents died at home; two of them died in a hospital and the other one died in a rest home. Two of them lived with my mom and dad as they got older (my siblings and I were in the same house during the early years); the other two benefited from adult children that lived nearby. They were all the first generation to benefit from Social Security.

As I think of myself growing older, I realize that what happened with my grandparents…and now my parents…is a model of possibilities for my own future as an elderly person.

Another thread thinking about my grandparents…recognizing a different perspective of history and how it impacted them – or not. None of them got the 1918 flu….none fought in World War II. They lived in small towns or farms; the Great Depression did not cause them food shortages. The big elements of history impacted them but not as significantly as many other people.

Only one graduated from high school. The others barely got an elementary education. They could all read…newspapers and magazines, some books. They successfully managed their own financies. Both grandfathers ‘retired’ early but continued to be very active either with part time jobs or building up the family home place.

Overall – the family history is full of memories to savor…realizing that they light my path into the future too.  

Ten Little Celebrations – December 2023

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December has been one of the most unusual (and stressful) of my life. Along with all the upheaval – there were still little celebrations to notice and savor.

Completion of a construction project. Big machinery digging in the street/sidewalk, the alleyway, and backyard of my parents house. The city was replacing an old sewer pipe. It was interesting to watch…although there were a few anxious moments too. We all celebrated when they finished within the 3 days they’d estimated for the project!

A warm day to mow the leaves. The leaves didn’t really begin to fall in Carrollton TX until December. We celebrated a warm day to mow them into the yard.

Crystalized ginger, big peppermint sticks. I savored special foods from the past that I haven’t eaten as much in recent years. I bought the crystalized ginger and a sister provided 6 of the big barber pole peppermint sticks. I started the celebration of my birthday early!

Red velvet cake. When I was growing up, my usual birthday cake was red velvet cake – made by my mother. This year one of sisters and her husband discovered a diner that had an excellent version of the cake – and bought me two pieces – which I enjoyed 2 days in a row prior to the actual birthday!

A break. My other sister came to make lunch for my parents and I took a break away from my parents’ house. I went to a small café for brunch and they had a special: birthday pancakes! I opted to get that special (another early birthday celebration) and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I walked (and took pictures of birds) around Josey Ranch.

December celebrations. My birthday is just one of the normal December celebrations in my family. There is also my parents’ anniversary (their 71st) and Christmas! It’s always a hectic month…full of family visits.

Good sleep. I usually sleep well but it has not been as consistent this month….so I celebrated a particularly good night!

Fall foliage of crape myrtles. I’d never noticed crape mytles in the fall before. At my parents the conditions must have been just right for them to turn from green and hold their leaves this year. I celebrated how great they looked with the leaves and seed pods.  

Finding assisted living. Change is hard. We had moments of discovery and panic…celebrated finding an assisted living group home for my parents and then realizing that the details required another burst of energy. As I write this we are all celebrating how much we have accomplished with our combined efforts.

Daughter arriving. My daughter came for my birthday and the anniversary. She took me out for Ethiopian food to celebrate my birthday!

December 2023….what a cresendo for the year!

Savoring a Holiday

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December has always been full of celebrations in my family – a birthday, an anniversary, the holidays. We are thinking back at all those celebrations this year as we savor the last one with my parents in their own home. To avoid exhausting/overwhelming my parents, we have extended the celebrations with family members coming to visit over the entire month rather than what had been our tradition in years past (large gatherings with huge amounts of food). They eat small meals now…but we’ve tried to include special foods from years past – eggnog, roast, turkey, Waldorf salad, cherry pie….maybe some mincemeat with  ice cream rather than a pie.

When my sisters and I were young, my parents allowed us to open a Christmas present each day between the birthday and Christmas. The new things on Christmas morning were from Santa. My maternal grandmother was the one that did the desserts and breads that I remember most from my childhood…raisin buns, kolaches…too a lesser extent cobblers and pies.

In the late 1980s, me and my sister shared the news that we were both pregnant with the first grandchildren in December. The babies were born a week apart the next year and I travelled to Maryland that December with my daughter (her first time on a plane). My grandmother was still making the holiday desserts!

My grandmother died in December 2010…but had given up cooking a few years before when her eyesight began to fade. Our holiday food has never been the same since; we don’t eat special breads anymore. I’ve tried kolaches from several bakeries, but they are never as good as the ones she made; compared to her soft bread around a large fruit center (apricot and cherry were my favorites), the bakery ones always seem more like hockey pucks.

As children grew up, the types of gifts changed too. In my family, gifts are now trending toward ‘experiences’ rather than ‘stuff.’

One of my sisters and I have given up putting up a tree in the past few years – opting for other decorations like wreaths and ornaments/cards from years past displayed in creative ways. None of us send cards anymore. One sister is having the big gathering her family on New Years this year because of work schedules!

But – we are all enjoying the daily small joys with my parents this December. We are all where we want and need to be.

Merry Christmas to all!

Food Adventures with Elderly Parents

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This past month has required more creativity with food than any time I can remember.

My parent that was in the hospital in mid-November, came home requiring thickened liquids because of a challenge swallowing. We must put thickening powder in everything. Initially, the change in texture was so off putting that the food consumed was far below the amount needed to sustain weight. We began adding a mass building powder to the liquids as well and succeeded well enough to stop the weight loss.

We quickly learned to make the liquids in bottles and jars with lids that could be shaken to thoroughly mix the powder into the liquid. Another lesson learned: water, milk, and coffee were not going to be consumed anymore because they evidently tasted horrible thickened. We shifted to juices and Gatorade.

Mason jars worked well for the during the day; smaller (plastic) reused juice/Gatorade bottles for at night. The other parent is drinking more Gatorade now too.

The other dietary recommendation after the hospital was to reduce sodium. They were already using Mrs. Dash (no salt) for seasoning but we became more focused on choosing lower sodium options at the grocery store – turkey bacon rather than the usual, no more hot dogs or ham. Canned soups are probably not going to be on the menu either; homemade soups thickened with finely chopped veggies don’t seem to work very well either so we are still searching for how to prepare hearty winter soups that are appetizing. Plain hamburger patties with condiments on the side are one success story.

We discovered that they both prefer simpler food and one of them does not like leafy greens under other food. They used to like cheesy eggs or toast…now they want the eggs on their own…toast with butter or apple butter (my sister bought a special apple butter that is a new favorite). Their 2 favorite breakfasts are oatmeal (we add protein powder in the bowl…they select the other additions: butter, brown sugar, raisins, cranraisins, dates, walnuts) and over easy eggs with turkey bacon. Apple sauce with cottage cheese might be ok….as long as  there is had a dab of the apple butter in the mix.


My sister and I are experimenting….trying to adjust to their changing tastes. Having some fun with it and laughing at the things we try that don’t work.

Chia seed pudding (trying to find foods that are thickened with something other than the powder) was an example of a good try…but not something we’ll do again!

Sustaining Myself in the Caregiving Role

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I left my home in Missouri on November 15th and have been learning to be the caregiver my parents need at this point in their lives until my sisters and I can transition them to a new living situation that will meet their needs into the future. Now that it has been more than a month, I realize that some of my strategies developed during my career to reduce my stress and maintain my overall mental health are still serving me well:

  • Writing about something stressful as a way of letting it go…moving from anxiety to acceptance for things that cannot be changed.

  • Creating a little work of art every day (Zentangle)…focusing totally on it for the short time it takes to create it…a break from everything else going on.

  • Continuing a daily blog post that not only documents my journey…but produces something separate from the caregiving part of the day

I have discovered that little things that remind me that my other life still exists and is waiting for me to return are important to me – a telephone call with my daughter or husband (they have both been very supportive)….a walk outdoors even if it is just for a few minutes…photography. At the same time, finding bits of time for these activities can be a challenge. There is a similarity to caring for a young child: nap times for them become ‘me time’!

As I write this post, I am realizing that I am not fully sustaining myself for an indefinite period of caregiving and neither is my sister that is sharing caregiving with me. We are not as sleep deprived as we were during the hospitalization but we are not storing up reserves either; when little things go awry we are instantly feeling the stress of the situation and consciously staying focused exclusively on what our parents need.  We already have started the process to change my parents’ living situation in January that will shift much of the care giving role to assisted living staff; our interactions with our parents will shift to frequent visits and shared activities. We are preparing ourselves and them for the transition.

Ramping up Elder Care – December 2024

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My parent came home from the hospital the Wednesday before Thanksgiving...still requiring a lot of care at night which fell to me since I was staying in their house. Both me and my sister remained almost as sleep deprived as when we were alternating 24-hour stints at the hospital! We quickly realized that the strategy that had worked for the caring of our 90+ year old parents over the past few years was not going to work going forward…and the ‘new normal’ we had scrambled to established could not be sustained.

Even sleep deprived – I acknowledged there were magical moments and the joy of not being in the hospital anymore. I appreciated little things like the gentle glow of warm-colored night lights and the full moon shining through a skylight…and every bit of fractured sleep I could get.

Even sleep deprived – I acknowledged there were magical moments and the joy of not being in the hospital anymore. I appreciated little things like the gentle glow of warm-colored night lights and the full moon shining through a skylight…and every bit of fractured sleep I could get.

Before the hospitalization I had made appointments to interview companies that provide in-home caregivers and to visit an assisted living group home. We managed to keep those appointments and decided to contract for a caregiver at night for the month of December; that relieved our sleep deprivation and gave us a few weeks to decide on the ‘next step.’

Our experience with caregivers has been mostly positive but we quickly realized that there would be at least 3 people involved to cover the 7 days each week. So far 2 have not worked out: one that slept through most of the night and another that one parent disliked (strongly). We realized that the care givers rarely work with their peers (so no cross training or collaboration on unusual situations) and supervision was not apparent. The role of the company they work for seems to be primarily scheduling of services. And the services are expensive.

It has enables us to sleep through the night but the days have been fraught with home health appointmentss (nurse visits, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, virtual doctor visits). There have been two medication changes – both with positive results. My sister and I have gotten very efficient at preparing thickened liquids and appropriately elevating the hospital bed to avoid aspiration of fluid in the lungs of our parent that was hospitalized. Other upheavals have piled on too: Carrollton’s replacement of a sewer line at the edge of the property, a plumbing problem that caused the only bathroom in the house with a door wide enough for a walker to get through to be unusable for about 24 hours, required fall yard maintenance, Thanksgiving celebration…and preparation for Christmas. There is always something that needs to be done that we can’t quite find time to do.

We researched assisted living options…at first thinking that they would be a back up plan but deciding that they should be the 1st choice based on our experience by early December and that the form that would probably be more suited for my parents would be a group home rather than a larger facility. We found one that had been created in a renovated house in their neighborhood for 6 people. We visited the facility and liked it. They had 1 opening at the time. Then they told us that there would be a second opening by the end of December (one of the residents being moved to a facility with a higher level of care) and that the largest room (the one that had been the master bedroom in the original house) was going to be available. We started the application process.

The initial discussion about assisted living and the specific place we were looking at seriously went as expected. One agreed to keep an open mind…the other had a visceral reaction and didn’t want to consider any other option than staying in the house they have lived in for 33 years. We scheduled a visit to the assisted living home…hoping that we could encourage both  parents to be in information gathering mode and ask a lot of questions.

The day of the tour arrived…one parent had already decided that assisted living was the way to go, the other was still thinking it was not. Neither asked questions on the tour but looked around eagerly. One was completely exhausted by the outing but confirmed their idea that moving was best. The other became convinced (and upset) that they were going to be losing the house they called home for 33 years and moving to the assisted living place.

We are proceeding with the process toward assisted living. There are many ways that it could fall apart…but as I write this post we are on track…planning to make the move in January.

Stay tuned for our continuing journey ramping up elder care….

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update

Holiday Decorations

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This December is going to be a unique one for me…away from home….focused on other priorities…somewhat stressed by the situation. I am savoring the decorations two of my sisters arranged at my parents’ house:

The wreath on the door…

The reindeer and poinsettias on the mantle…

The big wreath on the wall…

These are all decorations that have been used in previous years…associated with pleasant memories of past Decembers, prompting us to prepare for celebrating an anniversary, a birthday, and Christmas that are all part of our family celebrations in December. The month has always be an emotional high…and this year there is the overlay of realizing that it is probably the last one for my parents in this house.

New in 2023

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It’s December already…time to think back on 2023 about what was different about the year. This is a way to acknowledge the ‘new normal’ during the year before I start thinking about the tweaks I want to make intentionally in 2024.

  • I honed my diet slightly.

  • Making a slurry of 1 tablespoon of chia seeds every morning to drink as I swallow my daily vitamin/supplements reduced the dryness of my skin. The change got off to a rocky start; the package listed 2 tablespoons as the serving size and I got nose bleeds two days in a row (and I hadn’t had a nosebleed otherwise since I was a child!) after a week of that serving daily. With a little research, I discovered that 2 tablespoons is way too much Omega-3 oil to get every day!

  • I have recently started added a teaspoon of spirulina to my chia seed slurry on some mornings…continuing my preference to get nutrition from my diet rather than pills. It is a different mix of nutrients that my usual diet…makes up for maybe not getting enough leafy greens every day. The powder is a very pretty color too (I am thinking about swirling it on top of vanilla ice cream next St. Patrick’s day!).

  • Hemp oil is great on popcorn….replacing butter. This is my strategy for making my favorite light meal even healthier! The oil has both Omega-3 and Omega-6 oil. So far I haven’t overdosed on Omega-3 again (no nosebleeds) but I might skip some chia seed on some days. The only downside of hemp oil from my perspective is that I must remember to keep in in the refrigerator.

I signed up late in the season with a Community Supported Agriculture farm in Springfield. It was a learning experience and continued my journey of finding fresher veggies that are available in the grocery store although I probably won’t continue (farm too far from my house to pick up my share, delivery fees, spoiled by the CSA in Maryland). The veggie that both my daughter and I enjoyed the most from the CSA was arugula….far better tasting and more durable in the refrigerator than can be purchased in the grocery store. I am considering setting up tables with growing trays and grow lights in my basement to grow my own crop!

I started listening to more music this year…finding artists on YouTube then using Apple Music. My favorites at the end of the year:

  • Brooklyn Duo

  • The Boys of County Nashville (Celtic Tribute to Metallica)

  • Low Strung

A lot more time in Carrollton, Texas. Just before the COVID-19 pandemic, I had started going to Carrollton more frequently to help my parents. The pandemic interrupted that plan until we were vaccinated. By the beginning of 2023 I had established a rhythm of being in Carrollton a week out of every month. That pattern changed in November 2023 when the hospitalization of one of my parents caused my sisters and I to recognized that they needed someone with them all the time. This December is going to be a huge transition time for them and for us. The end of 2023 is a first in another dimension for me: the longest time I have been away from my home since I traveled with Up With People in my junior year of high school.

2023 was my first full year living in Missouri. So much to explore! In 2023, we made first visits (and some seconds) to places close to Springfield and around St. Louis. And there is a lot more of the state to see!

Gardens Aglow Vicariously

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I am in Carrollton, Texas this December working with my sisters as we increase the daily assistance for my parents. It is going to be a very different December this year. The yearly tradition (started last year…our first December after moving to the Springfield MO area) of walking through the Springfield Botanical Gardens Gardens Aglow display will be a vicarious one for me this year. My husband and daughter did the walk last week and sent pictures.

It was a drizzly night so they both just used their phones rather than more expensive cameras. There were not many people walking the garden (probably because it was wet) so the pictures don’t have as many silhouettes of people as we had last year. The pictures put me in a holiday mood….even while I accept – even savor - that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to do here in Carrollton this December.

Walk in the Carrollton Neighborhood

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Getting out for a walk in the neighborhood was a treat during the routine of being with my parent in the hospital for 24 hours and then catching up on everything else (including sleep) for 24 hours…repeating. Even though I was exhausted, being outdoors in the crisp air was exhilarating; as always, I had my camera in hand to document what I noticed.

I didn’t get away from the house before I noticed the mini-mums in the front flowerbed and the oak leaves on the ground but held upright by the groundcover.

There was a flowerbed near the sidewalk a few blocks away that was full of ceramic yard art tucked into the plantings. The frog was my favorite.

I noticed that the city of Carrollton (Texas) has marked the drains along the street…indicating that the drains go straight to waterways (i.e. not treatment for contaminates).

There was a confused pear tree along the way – blooming in late November rather than waiting until the spring!

Refreshed and feeling less stressed…I returned to my parents’ house for a nap.

Ramping up Elder Care – November 2023 (update)

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My sisters and I thought we had time to learn about various options at a comfortable pace and then ramp up support for our parents in a targeted way over the next few months. We ordered two cameras to install in their home and made appointments to meet with two service providers for the next time I was in Carrollton – but that plan changed quickly when one of my parents entered the hospital.

I went to Carrollton early - entering 24-hour rotations with one of my sisters to support my parent in the hospital. My other two sisters and my daughter handled things at my parents’ house (it is traumatic for two elderly people married over 70 years to be separated for even short periods).

We learned a lot during the hospitalization about changes we need to make to avoid aspiration of liquid into the lungs (i.e. thickening of ALL liquids to honey consistency is now required). Previously some liquids had been thickened to a lesser amount (nectar) but water was unthickened….and now even that will have to be thickened. But – the reward is no coughing while (and after) eating or drinking!!!!

Small anomalies can make big impacts…low potassium and dehydration were two that our parent experienced. And the associated weakness/dizziness curtailed almost all physical activity for a little over 24 hours which required some slow increase of activity on the following days to get back to ‘normal’…and maybe that was a ‘new normal’ that was a little reduced from the prior normal.

Two cameras were installed and we used them along with virtual meetings to help our parents talk to each between physical visits. We decided a third camera would be worthwhile, so it was ordered.

We quickly established a contingency sleeping arrangement in case the hospitalized parent required more support at night immediately after coming home from the hospital.  The room includes a twin bed with plenty of room for a caregiver to move around….and for extra equipment. We are anticipating that ambulation will need to be monitored/supported (i.e. a belt around our parent … a caregiver with a hand on it) during their recuperation until we are sure the fall risk is minimal.

As I write this, our parent is still in the hospital but due to go home within 24 hours. We hope we have ramped up our support plan sufficiently.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Ramping up Elder Care!

Previous posts: November 2023

Ramping up Elder Care – November 2023

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My sisters and I realized earlier this month that we need to ramp up the support provided to my parents and the needs were quickly going to exceed what the 4 of us could provide. We had tweaked the situation over the past few years in significant ways: they no long drove themselves, their doctor/labs were mostly done in their home, one of us was with them every day providing at least one meal and their refrigerator/pantry was kept well stocked, there was always a pile of jigsaw puzzles, my dad carried a smartphone on his rambling walks so we could locate him (fortunately he never got lost), they both wore fall necklaces, and we set up a voice activated system for reminders/calls for help. They might not need someone with them 24/7…but we are seeing that it might not be that long before they do.

And so – a new adventure begins…

Our first action was to contact their doctor for a virtual meeting about ‘improving support to our parents.’ The doctor also brought a social worker to the meeting. We documented our observations…why we thought more was needed. It was a very productive meeting with some things we could do immediately (like adding some cameras to the home) and a list of services available in the community.

We started with the idea that we wanted to keep them in their own home with support from private care providers to supplement what we do but quickly realized that we should explore assisted living (particularly small, home-like facilities) as well.

Stay tuned for what we learn over the next month!